Seven

Every year on this day, I open my computer, go to my pictures and expect to see something new.  There's a little piece of my brain that can't reconcile the fact that there are no new pictures of my mom in there. 

I think that one of these days I will "get it", but the truth is that every time I pick up my phone or drive towards the side of town where we used to live, I kind of expect to see her, hear her voice.

If I look back at my old posts from these last few years (Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One), the same pattern seems to hold:  I've been at work super late, had less than 5 hours of sleep in multiple nights, and have an insane amount of things going on at work to distract me. 

I always think that I should maybe take a day off, mourn properly, but then I think that maybe the busy-ness distracts me from all of the sad, awful thoughts that are better left un-thought. 

But then again... just because I don't have the time or energy to say them out loud doesn't make them un-thought, right?

Oy.

Over the years, I've realized that pain is something that scabs over, maybe heals entirely, but the memory of that pain, the memory of being that 22-year-old who really needs her mom right that minute - it never goes away.  

Time heals all wounds, yadda yadda yadda, but time is also a real asshole too, because it takes you further and further away from the one you love.

Six

It has been six years since my mom was no longer alive.  Six years since I've seen her laugh, seen her smile, seen her to tell me to wipe of some of that makeup because I have such pretty skin.

Six years.

I really can't even process it. 

I haven't written a single thing about my mom on this blog since last year on this day.  And that's shocking, because I have certainly thought about her and wished she were around SO many times during wedding-related activities.  Maybe it was just too hard to put into words. 

 Every year, I think I'm going to do something special, or start a neat tradition.... and every year, it doesn't happen.

This year I get to work rough back-to-back shifts at work and sleep only 5 hours, which I'm sure will be excellent for my emotional state.

Today, just hug your moms for me.  Tell her you love her over the phone.  My mom may "know" that I love her, but it's really not the same as telling her.  I promise.

I knew in the back of my mind... that as the years passed, I would be further and further away from her memory.  That I would probably forget all the "little" things that she did that made her her.

I just didn't realize that it would still hurt so much.

Five.

Five years seems like such a real, long amount of time.  I think that the past five years are probably the first set of five years in my life that I can recall with clarity.  Maybe because, five years ago today, I realized that nothing in life is really guaranteed. 

Five years ago today I held my mom's hand and told her that I was going to be okay, and that everything was going to be okay.

Every day is different, and sometimes I don't think too hard about how the person I'm talking to doesn't even know my mom died, I'm special...

Today, I just miss her. 

Five years never felt so, SO fast.

Wedding Wednesday

Soo.... wedding things are happening around here.  Kinda-sorta.  I've got the ball rolling with the church - unfortunately, the church moves at the speed of extremely-slow-things.  For serious.

So I expect to hear back from the church coordinator in 2-3 days - at which point Mr. RH and I have to meet up with a priest, which will probably take a couple weeks to coordinate.

Needless to say, I'm not grumpy about how slow that process is AT ALL. 

To add insult to injury, Mr. RH has the flu.  And now I am living in constant fear of The Vomit myself.

So, since I have come to a standstill with getting the date set up (and can't book reception or photographer until after I get the church), I've really let the whole wedding process sink in. 

And it's been hitting me harder and harder how much I miss my mom.

And I'm not really sure WHY, exactly.  It could be because she knows everyone who is anyone at church and could surely help get the process rolling.  It could be because she was a bit of a photography expert and could probably find me the best photographer within a reasonable budget (as opposed to the unreasonable photography budget I have in my head).

It could be because it hit me yesterday that possibly no one in my family would want to throw me a wedding shower.  That my mom has multiple sisters and I have a dozen aunts but that maybe it's just too painful for them all without her there.

And that's where it really gets me.  I wish just for once I had an overbearing mom to criticize any and all thoughts I have related to the wedding.  That she could bitch and moan about how she doesn't approve of the wedding dress. 

It's hitting me over the head on Pinterest lately.  The multi-generational wedding photos.  Pictures of both sets of parents with the bride and groom.  Pictures with mothers' and grandmothers' wedding bands. 

And I know it's just me feeling self-conscious and overwhelmed, but I just wish she were here to tell me that everything's going to be fine, that I'm being over-dramatic, and to stop worrying about it already. 

Before we were engaged, I told Mr. RH multiple times that I was dreading planning a wedding without my mom.  That the thought of having to go through it without her made me want to elope and skip the whole thing.  At the time, I was being dramatic and just trying to steel myself... I just didn't know how much it would actually hurt. 

And the silly thing is... I am surrounded by incredible friends, great coworkers, the whole nine yards.  I am certainly not the saddest girl to plan a wedding.  It just feels that way when I'm feeling sorry for myself.  And I doubt this will be the last thing I have to say on the topic. 

Four.

In the big scheme of life, four years is not a long time.  Considering the 21 years prior to the past four, this time is just a drop in the bucket.Only it's not. 
Sometimes I think that time speeds up right after everything changes. 

I can remember exactly everything about that Sunday four years ago.  I can remember what she was wearing, what I was doing that morning, what I had done the day before - absolutely everything.
It all feels so fresh that I can't believe how much time has passed.

There are times that it doesn't feel so fresh.  That I feel healed and together and composed.  That a customer at work can make a reference to my mom (not knowing the situation) and I feel totally fine.

And then there are other times that it feels anything but OK.  When everything feels personal.  When any potential situation feels like a perfect time to miss her.

Four years... it feels like 4 minutes.  I miss her every day.

Drowning the Sads

Sometimes it's hard to get any words out of my brain when I open this blog.  Either I can't think of anything to say... or I start to think of things that I don't want to say.

Lately, I've been happy. Smiling for no reason, wearing my sparkly-fancy earrings for no reason, nothing-can-get-me-down happy. 

Of course, it's easy to see that puppy love is generally responsible for this happiness.  The feeling that "enough time" together is never-ever enough and that I could spend 24/7 and still be wanting more... yeah, I'd say that sounds about right.

But then part of me feels that I'm just a little too focused on the happy.  That I'm so happy happy happy all the time because I'm trying to drown out the sad.

Next Friday, my mom will have been gone for 4 years.  Four years.  I don't even understand how that can possibly be right. 

I had a dream the other night that she was looking for me.  Or I was looking for her, I can't remember.  It was SO real that I had a hard time adjusting to reality when I woke up.  Which is extremely unlike me, I'm not much of a dreamer to begin with.

I guess what I'm trying to say is.... sometimes it's hard to write just anything here when all I really want to say is...

I miss her.

{And even worse, in my head... is that I don't have enough pictures of the two of us together.  Every time I go looking for a "new one"... there aren't any.}

So do I keep focusing on the happy-happy-happy me, the one that can't wait to get out of bed in the morning?  Because sometimes I'm a little upset that it's drowning out all my sads. 

Thirty

Today, September 12, 2011, would have been my parents thirtieth wedding anniversary.

I have been kind of all over the place with this blog lately.  Meaning, of course, that I have been everywhere but here. Considering it's the 12th of the month and this is my first post... that's pretty bad, eh?

I always get a little somber this time of year... I'm not sure if it's the fact that things are getting more intense at work (it's Christmas season in the retail world!) or the fact that back-to-school time feels like the time for new beginnings, or the fact that there are a lot of tough anniversaries/celebrations coming up... but I find my emotions all over the map in no sort of predictable pattern.

Last night, I got out of a work meeting late so I knew that I wouldn't see my dad before bed... so I popped over to see Mr. RH.  We were chatting while he put away laundry and all of a sudden I was absolutely sobbing because today is my parents 30th anniversary.

Of course, Mr. RH was completely kind and supportive and told me over and over that it's ok to cry in front of him because he knows I rarely break down for anybody else.

Which in turn made me happy and sad and kept me crying all over again.



Anyway, my point in writing this post was to ask... what the heck would YOU say to your dad today?  If you were in my shoes, that is.  It sucks that I won't even see him today and I only saw him for maybe 15 minutes yesterday. 

For a person that "writes" (using the loose definition, of course) on the internet for fun, I'm surprisingly short on words that I want to say to him.  I think I'll just leave a note letting him know I love him and I'll see him tomorrow.

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You know, no matter how long it's been since my mom's death - and no matter how much I think I've healed and "moved on" and grown up since then... it just sucks.  I've been crying since I started this post (well over an hour ago, I'm pretty sure) and I know the words are not down on this page like I want them to be. 

My life right now is pretty sweet.  I've got so many amazing things and feel so damn lucky 99% of the time. That other 1% though... is a real bitch.

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Dear Mom,
I'm sorry I used the word bitch in a post about your wedding anniversary.  I know, you really did raise me better than that.  I blame work for giving me such a potty mouth.
xo,
Sarah

Three.

Three years. A lot can happen in that time frame.

On one hand, it's not really that long.

But so much has happened. So much time has passed.

There are days when I feel guilty because I don't miss you enough...

And then there are days when I am positive that nobody can understand how much I miss you.

I miss you, every single day.

I still wish for just one more day or one more piece of good advice.

I love you mom.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Mom, today would have been your 51st Birthday...

(Horrible picture, but we don't have that many together.)

I thought it would be fun to start a tradition of buying myself something fun on your birthday, but then I realized that my credit card would think that was not that much fun.

Either way, I love you. Happy Birthday.

Mom, I Miss You.

2 Years. 17,520 Hours.

Sometimes it feels like a long time. Ages, even.

And then, on days like today, it feels like nothing. Seconds.

I still can't believe you're not here anymore.

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I always wonder if there is something wrong with me. Everywhere I turn, people always tell me: "she's always with you." "You are never alone."

And in my heart, I believe it. I hold onto it. Even though, in my head, I didn't get it. I didn't "feel" it.

Signs. Proof. As a person who is skeptical, I'm always looking for it. I look for butterflies. Bright flowers. Rays of sunshine. Anything...

I'm ashamed to admit I couldn't find it. The sign. The little piece of something tangible that proves you're still here. Still with me.

Last night, I picked up my phone as I was going to bed. Instead of the time on the screen, there was a picture. It took me a second to figure out what it was. It was a picture of your headstone. Clear as day, a sign.

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There are so many reasons I miss you.

I miss you because you made our family even. Being outnumbered by boys and testosterone sucks. They just don't get it.

I miss you because you always knew the right thing to say. It's just what moms do.

I miss waking up on Saturday morning and shopping without a purpose. It's not the same without you.

I miss having the glue that holds our family together. You were the one who made all of us make sense.

But most of all, more than anything, I miss that things keep happening without you here. I miss the fact that you'll never know my future husband, whoever he is. I miss that you won't pick out my wedding dress. I miss the fact that I might have kids someday, and you won't be knitting them baby blankets. I miss that you can't tell me to grow up, or get a life, or get a job. I just miss you.

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If I could have anything in the world, any one thing, I know what I'd pick in an instant.
I would have you here, rubbing my hair and my back while I cry. Telling me that it's ok to cry, but that everything's going to be ok. There's no substitute. No friends or boyfriend or relative can do it the way you do, the way a mother does. Moms don't look away, or wish they were somewhere else, or wish I'd get over it already.

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If you're reading this, I apologize that it's a jumble of... everything. I could probably write it for days and never finish.

But I do have one important thing to say. If you're reading this, I need you to listen.

Take that picture today. One of you and the kids, or of you and your parents. Of you and your mom, you and your BFF, you and your sister. You may not look the way you want to look, and you may not be as skinny as you could be/should be... but it doesn't matter. That picture might someday be worth the whole world to someone, so don't let the moment pass you by.

Sarah and Mom, August 2007. Our last picture.

Hug everyone you love just a little bit closer today. For me.

You can read last year's post here.

A Serious Post About Shopping

The title of this post made you confused - right? I mean, how serious can shopping be - right?

Well.

A couple of weeks ago when I told you guys to "Ask Me Anything," a few of you asked me about fall fashion or fall clothes.

And I wanted to answer. I love fall, and I love fall clothes. But for some reason... let's just say that the cat got my tongue. I felt like I had nothing to say.

So what's this all about? It's about my mom.

Since I was about 13 years old, my mom and I fought. We were so similar that we clashed on a lot of things.

But there was one thing that brought us together: shopping, and clothes.

Depending on the time of year, we would get up early on Saturday morning, put on our comfortable shoes, and head into Indianapolis for a day of shopping. It was "our thing." We sometimes had a plan of attack - buying Christmas or birthday gifts - and sometimes we just wandered.

It was my favorite. Friends would invite me to spend the night on Friday nights and I always hesitated - because I knew that my friends would sleep past noon and I would wake at 8 am and want to run out the door to get my shop on.

We didn't always buy much - in fact, sometimes all we bought was lunch. We always had bourbon chicken from a Chinese restaurant - and we split it.

I got some of my favorite things on those trips - a powder blue tweed coat, my favorite black pumps, and all of my prom and formal dresses. And, of course, since I was her daughter, my mom paid for a ton of these clothes - even when I was in college and should have been paying for my own clothes.

If there was no reason to buy me clothes and we found something really awesome, she would buy it and save it for my birthday or Christmas. In fact, that was how I "made a Christmas list" - we just went to the mall and picked out what I wanted. Christmas shopping complete.

So, that brings us to today. My mom's not here anymore and, though I still like shopping, it's different now. I have the hardest time shopping.

I don't shop well with my friends - their issues distract me from looking for myself. Either they're too broke to spend money or they really need X, Y, or Z for tonight... I just can't focus on me.

It's different now. If you see me at the mall today - I'll be wearing flip-flops. Why? Because I have a hard time finding comfortable shoes I like. Because my mom would have been the one to push me to buy something warm for my feet. Because my mom would have spent the money she would have set aside for herself making sure I had shoes that I could not only walk in but be comfortable and cute in.

When I went to write a post about fall fashion, I realized that my closet is seriously lacking. I could have gone to a bunch of store websites and pulled out some of my "fall picks," but I always prefer posting real-life pictures. It brings the clothes to life when I can see them on a a real person's body.

So there you have it. The truth. I love clothes, and I love shopping. But, today, shopping for myself is different. It feels selfish, not practical. I feel badly for spending money - even when it's my own, hard earned money.

I don't feel badly about not having the nicest or the newest clothes. I don't even particularly mind not having the best shoes for the weather.

I just miss my mom.

So today, I'm heading out to the malls. Hopefully I have some luck... and of course, I'll share anything that I do find.

P.S. I wrote about potentially ditching ditching my beloved Nars Orgasm blush today at Chic Critique.

I Miss You

Hi Mom,

I miss you so much today.

I woke up and realized today that I had forgotten to send Grandma a card today. I remembered on Friday, and then forgot again today.

I still have a card in my closet at home that I had wanted to give to you. I've had it for 3 or 4 years but I always forgot about it when Mother's Day rolled around.

Mom, I know you're all around me all the time, but I selfishly wish you were here here. It's just not the same now.

I miss you smile and I miss our trips to the mall together. I wish I hadn't taken our time together for granted. I love you mom.

Happy Mother's Day!

Click.

Click.
October 1986 - my baptism. She was so happy to finally have me.


Click.
August 1987 - she couldn't believe the little person I was becoming.

Fast Forward.

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Spring Break 2005. Our family(my dad, brother, she, and I) went on a trip to Key West and she was so excited for all of us to be together. I don't think there's a prettier picture of her anywhere.

Click.
November 2005. I was finally in college, and she was more than happy to bring my grandpa (my dad's dad) to come and see a game.


Click.
March 2006. I took this pic on our 'girls-only' spring break to Boston, where we got to meet my cousin Aidan.


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February 2007. Sophomore Parents Weekend at my school. They came up to do all the fun activities and hang out at school with me. She's on chemo at this point, and was sick the entire weekend. I remember that I was on the planning committe for the dinner, so instead of hanging out on Saturday afternoon we were decorating the ballroom. She was so sick she had to leave while I finished up. If only I'd have known then... what I know now.


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May 2007. My brother's high school graduation weekend. This is an outtake from an attempt at a family photo. I love my cheesiness and her expression.


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July 2007. With 2 of her sisters and mom(she has 8 siblings). From left to right: Mary (oldest sister), my mom, my grandma, Barb (youngest sister). I love this picture. They were trying to post like me and my friends, they said.


Click.
July 2007. Our last picture as a family on our last family vacation. We went up to Lake Michigan to hang out for the week. It was such a fun, relaxing time.


My mom died a year ago today. I had rushed home from college to see her one last time, and my dad was trying to make me go back to school the following day. We (along with my aunt, who had come to town to help my mom's recovery from heart surgery) were sitting at the kitchen table pecking at dinner - and then I knew.

She was gone.

I can't describe it, but all at once I just could feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. While I certainly wasn't happy, in that moment I felt relief.

Relief that all the uncertainty would end.
Relief that I would phone home and something else would go wrong.
Relief that the struggle was finally over.
Relief that she was finally at peace.
Relief that I could stop worrying. (little did I know...)

Click.
Click.
Click.

My life has been captured in a series of photos. My mom loved taking pictures - it was one of her passions. I have tons of albums filled with her photos.

I've totally caught her passion.

As I think back today on how I'd like to remember my mom, I can think of only one thing. Click.

I know that all my friends are far too busy and too important to take time to shower and look presentable today, but I am hoping that very soon we can all take a few minutes to capture these times in our lives.

Not only are they fleeting, but you never know when this one is going to be the last one. Click.

If I could ask everyone I see today one favor, it would be this: grab a camera and take a few photos of someone you love today. Don't think, just do. Click.

Mom, I miss you a little bit more and a little bit less each day. It's getting harder to remember your voice - or the things you'd repeat to me over and over - but there's one thing I will never forget: your smile.

I love you. I miss you.

love,

Life to the Fullest

This week's quote of the week is by Grant Hancock (as usual, I have no clue who that is. But I really like the quote:

So far I've learnt that every day of your life must be lived to the fullest. Life is about smiling, laughing, and crying. Life is about making the most of what you have and what you're given. It's about keeping relationships and losing them. Life is about falling in love and losing someone you do love. Life was given to us as a challenge, and it's not easy, but you have to try and meet that challenge and make the most of it while you can because you don't actually know when it will be your turn to lay down to rest. You only have one shot at life, so make sure you take it with both hands and squeeze every little drop out of it you can.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about my mom. It's been almost a year since she died, and I wonder sometimes what she thinks. If she knows that even though I'm screwing up I'm trying as hard as I can.

It's just weird, ya know? I never really thought this would be me: my life, the girl without her mom. I guess in some ways I just still have a hard time believing she's really gone.

My life looks very different from the one I thought I'd be living right now. Weird.

Happy Tuesday!

love,

Quote of the Week

This week's quote of the week is by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

I feel like I am constantly treading water under the weight of yesterday's life. While I'm trying to clean out all of my mom's: stuff, I feel like I'm drowning in clutter, memories, and just junk.

So, today's quote is to inspire me to let go of the old and let the new into my life.



love,

Happy Mother's Day

I knew this day was going to be hard - I did.

I'm working through 'Senior Week' at my College. As a junior that has been waiting to go home for 2 months, and whose friends have all gone home, I don't have much to do today.

My dad and brother are coming up midday to take some of my dorm room stuff home.

BUT, today is mother's day. The first without my mother, who died on November 4th.

Since I have nothing better to do today, I have volunteered to work the front desk of my dorm and make a few dollars. When another girl mentioned that she wouldn't be able to get to her shift, she begged me to take it and I succumbed to the pressure. Which means that I am sitting at the front desk today for a grand totally of... drum roll please... 11 hours.

Somebody please shoot me - this day blows.

Anyway, back to Mother's Day. I really miss my mom. More and more lately, I have just been wanting to pick up the phone and call her. I just want to chat. I want to tell her what I bought at Target today. I want to tell her how much I want to go to an outlet mall... and then have her tell me to spend $50 and put it on my credit card and she'll take care of it. I want to have her tell me to stop being so dramatic all the time. I want her to tell me what she did today.

Most of all, though... what I really really want - is just to sit with her. We have a "Chair and a Half" that sits in our living room, and it only really fits 1.5 people - NOT 2. But when I had breaks at school and came home from college, I always found myself banging hips with her and fitting both of our butts in that chair. I want to sit with my mom. Just sit.

I miss you mom. I wish you were here.

This is my family: me, Dad, brother, Mom.

This picture was taken a year ago at my brother's high school graduation party, when she was in "remission" from colon cancer. She was never in remission, it was just 'protocol' not to test from the date of the last chemo until 3 months later - when it was too late to save her.

I miss her so much it physically hurts. I had no idea she wouldn't be around for Mother's Day this year, or to help move me out of my dorm. I just had no idea.

I miss you mom.

love,

Love You Forever

Have you ever read the children's book "Love You Forever"?
It's my favorite children's book.

My mom used to read it to me when I was little, and I could never understand why she almost always cried. Now that she's gone, I know why.

I can get through almost the whole book, until the little boy grows up and his mom is old and sick... and then I lose it.

Tomorrow is the 7-month anniversary of my mom's death.


"Love you forever, like you for always - as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be."

love,