Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Seven

Every year on this day, I open my computer, go to my pictures and expect to see something new.  There's a little piece of my brain that can't reconcile the fact that there are no new pictures of my mom in there. 

I think that one of these days I will "get it", but the truth is that every time I pick up my phone or drive towards the side of town where we used to live, I kind of expect to see her, hear her voice.



If I look back at my old posts from these last few years (Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One), the same pattern seems to hold:  I've been at work super late, had less than 5 hours of sleep in multiple nights, and have an insane amount of things going on at work to distract me. 

I always think that I should maybe take a day off, mourn properly, but then I think that maybe the busy-ness distracts me from all of the sad, awful thoughts that are better left un-thought. 

But then again... just because I don't have the time or energy to say them out loud doesn't make them un-thought, right?

Oy.

Over the years, I've realized that pain is something that scabs over, maybe heals entirely, but the memory of that pain, the memory of being that 22-year-old who really needs her mom right that minute - it never goes away.  

Time heals all wounds, yadda yadda yadda, but time is also a real asshole too, because it takes you further and further away from the one you love.

8 Classy Comments:

Meg @ write meg! said...

Hugs. <3

Kelly B. said...

yep. Sometimes I'll look at photos and can hear her voice. Sometimes I forget it even happened because it seems so stupid that it did. The worst is going back to those days in the hospital (because she was otherwise healthy [that we knew of?] before her last admittance and wondering if we let them talk us into the fact that she was really that sick? did they know what they were talking about? -- not a good place to be.

ack, that was irrelevant. BUT, I feel you. hugs.

Barb Crosby said...

You are always on my mind and in my heart.

Sonja said...

I think I say this every year, but I lost my mom at 17. Right before prom and graduation. Time does heal it honestly, It does get easier. But when you go through huge life events/changes, it never does. I don't know how many times I've cried just wanting my mom to be hear to see my daughter and to watch her grow up. And for advice lol. As overused as it is, she's with you. She is. Hope today gets easier for you! Take some time for yourself :)

Heather said...

I'm so sorry. I think we've discussed this before, but (like Sonja above - whoa) I lost my mom when I was 17 and while everyone's experience is different, my heart breaks for you. It really does. We don't know each other in "real life," but please know that I am sending a cyber-hug your way!

Gina said...

Hugs

Jbehrens said...

After losing my mom 13 years ago, I take that day to be selfish/do whatever I want. I usually go to the cemetery, have a cleansing cry, then treat myself to a pedi and lunch, nap, watch TV, read a book, etc. I don't wallow in my sorrows, but I think after losing my mom at a younger age, I deserve one "me" day a year! The best thing for you is to do what you want to do :-)

Jessica @ Wanting Adventure said...

I will go to the phone and pick it up, expecting to call my dad and have him pick up. They say that grief never goes away, it just gets less intense. It's so hard and you don't get it until you go through it.

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