Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Mom, I Miss You.

2 Years. 17,520 Hours.

Sometimes it feels like a long time. Ages, even.

And then, on days like today, it feels like nothing. Seconds.

I still can't believe you're not here anymore.

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I always wonder if there is something wrong with me. Everywhere I turn, people always tell me: "she's always with you." "You are never alone."

And in my heart, I believe it. I hold onto it. Even though, in my head, I didn't get it. I didn't "feel" it.

Signs. Proof. As a person who is skeptical, I'm always looking for it. I look for butterflies. Bright flowers. Rays of sunshine. Anything...

I'm ashamed to admit I couldn't find it. The sign. The little piece of something tangible that proves you're still here. Still with me.

Last night, I picked up my phone as I was going to bed. Instead of the time on the screen, there was a picture. It took me a second to figure out what it was. It was a picture of your headstone. Clear as day, a sign.

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There are so many reasons I miss you.

I miss you because you made our family even. Being outnumbered by boys and testosterone sucks. They just don't get it.

I miss you because you always knew the right thing to say. It's just what moms do.

I miss waking up on Saturday morning and shopping without a purpose. It's not the same without you.

I miss having the glue that holds our family together. You were the one who made all of us make sense.

But most of all, more than anything, I miss that things keep happening without you here. I miss the fact that you'll never know my future husband, whoever he is. I miss that you won't pick out my wedding dress. I miss the fact that I might have kids someday, and you won't be knitting them baby blankets. I miss that you can't tell me to grow up, or get a life, or get a job. I just miss you.

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If I could have anything in the world, any one thing, I know what I'd pick in an instant.
I would have you here, rubbing my hair and my back while I cry. Telling me that it's ok to cry, but that everything's going to be ok. There's no substitute. No friends or boyfriend or relative can do it the way you do, the way a mother does. Moms don't look away, or wish they were somewhere else, or wish I'd get over it already.

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If you're reading this, I apologize that it's a jumble of... everything. I could probably write it for days and never finish.

But I do have one important thing to say. If you're reading this, I need you to listen.

Take that picture today. One of you and the kids, or of you and your parents. Of you and your mom, you and your BFF, you and your sister. You may not look the way you want to look, and you may not be as skinny as you could be/should be... but it doesn't matter. That picture might someday be worth the whole world to someone, so don't let the moment pass you by.

Sarah and Mom, August 2007. Our last picture.

Hug everyone you love just a little bit closer today. For me.

post signature

You can read last year's post here.

42 Classy Comments:

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thinking of you on this tough day. This post made me cry. I WILL call my mom today, in your honor.

Sherrie said...

Sending you hugs! My heart goes out to you.

Ashley Lauren said...

Hugs to you. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Blair said...

You are in my thoughts today. This post made me cry, I am sorry that you lost your mother. I had no idea. I understand how you feel, although it is very different losing a father. There is always an empty feeling and I constantly wish I had just ONE more day. One more day to appreciate him, love on him, and to take one last picture. I love the picture of you and your mother, y'all are both so beautiful and you look like her.
xoxox, Blair

Melissa said...

This post my me tear up! I cannot even imagine losing either of my parents and what you are going through. I'm sure it never gets easier like they say. Big hugs for you today sweet lady!!

Miss Kriss said...

You and your family will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers today. I can't imagine losing someone with whom I was so close, but the way that you are dealing with it is truly inspirational. And you know what? I'm pretty confident that from now on, every time I pick up the camera to take a photo, I'll think of this post. Sending big hugs your way!

Classy in Philadelphia said...

I'm at school and I want to bawl right now. I have tears in my eyes and the girl at the computer across from me is giving me weird looks.

I'm so sorry...I honestly can't even imagine.

That's a beautiful picture and I'm glad that you at least have that one last great memory.

Hugs to you <3 xoxox

Catie said...

Thinking of you today. *hugs*

julie and jon said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of you and your family today.

Southern Belle said...

Aw, Sarah you made me cry. At. work. I hope your day gets better=) And I know it's hard to think, but she IS always with you. When everyone is there, she's there. When no one is there, she's still there. No one can take that away from you. *hugs*

Gwen said...

Praying for you & your family today. Last month marked the 5th year since my Mom's passing. I spent that day like I have every year since and probably always will. The days between the anniversarys are easier now but that day still feels like a fresh wound. If you ever need to talk I'm here for you. XOXO

Michelle said...

Oh, Sarah! I'm tearing up at work (ssshh...no one is supposed to know I'm on Blogger at work! LOL).

I'm thinking of you today...lots of love & hugs are coming your way!

Tiffany and the Munchkins said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through and I can't imagine what it would be like not to have my mom around. Your post brought tears to my eyes and has made me appreciate my mom so much more. Thank you for that. I will be thinking of you and your family on this difficult day.

Kaitlin said...

Sarah this post is beautiful. Good thing I do not have mascara on because I'm crazy teary eyed. Your strength is amazing, and you are making your mom so proud. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Mrs. Smith said...

oh! you made me cry! so sweet and sad at the same time. sending happy thoughts and prayers your way!

MLC84 said...

This posting made me tear up. I am so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes. Think of the happy times you had with your mom, try to stick with those and that will get you through.

i. me. mine said...

What a sweet post. Hugs to you today!

KLC said...

i cant even imagine the pain and sadness you feel. I am thinking of you today. Your mom is smiling down on you!!!

Mindy said...

Oh how my heart hurts with you. Know that I just sent a prayer your way.

I couldn't agree more about taking a picture with a loved one.

I'm so happy you saw a sign!!! :)

Leslie @ A Blonde Ambition said...

This post made me cry. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers on this extremely tough day. Stay strong girl!

This Minneapolis Life said...

My heart is aching for you, Sarah. You are in my thoughts and prayers today. -Chelsy

Jess said...

I am so sorry, and I am definitely thinking of you today...this post made me start bawling actually...thanks for reminding me to appreciate what I have in life more...<3

Whitney said...

Thinking of you sweet girl!

Jess in Nebraska said...

Sarah - I'm new to your blog. WOW, this post was amazing. I am sending it to my friends, all in honor of loving those around us, who are still here and in memory of those who aren't
I'm so sorry for you loss. Your words are amazing.
Jess in Nebraska

Blair said...

Oh Sarah... a million hugs. I am in tears. Another great quote for you...

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Little Miss Diva said...

Another beautiful post Sarah, you have me in tears reading it. My thoughts are with you on this difficult day and I am sending hugs your way!!

Becky said...

Awe! You mother would be so proud of you I know it! You've become a LOVELY woman and so many people enjoy reading your blog and I'm sure you've enspired many people too! Just keep your head up....and every day we have on this earth IS so special and I'm glad you made me think of that today :)

Tickled Pink And Green said...

Oh I can soooo relate. I lost my beloved dad very unexpectedly on Nov 24, 2007. The 2 years is coming up and it is still so hard to believe. I did a post about it last year on 11/24 and will be doing another one. I think about him being gone and not each time, but a lot of the time, it still takes my breath away. I have had several signs and a visit (I'm convinced) thru a dream.

The way you described it is so great and there's just no two ways about it...life is just never the same. Ever.

:(

Lynn said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I really hope that wonderful memories of her bring you comfort today. Sending you hugs!
XOXO

Jackie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and virtual hugs your way!

Kerri said...

This post really has touched my heart, I had gotten a little aggrivated with my mom literally seconds before reading this, over something completely dumb. I needed a reminder that time is short and I need to enjoy every second I have with her. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us, from everything you say on your blog, I'm sure your mother is very proud of you!

mrs.barefeet said...

What a beautiful,loving tribute. As I mom I know how proud I would be knowing what a strong, beautiful & thoughtful daughter I helped raise. Sending hugs and prayers to you !!!

Krista said...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful post with us! My heart and thoughts are with you today and always! xoxo

etta said...

What an incredibly touching post. I had the urge to hop in my car and drive over to give you a hug and some Starbucks, but quickly remembered you aren't local. :( I can't even begin to comprehend the pain of losing a parent, but it sounds like you were blessed with an amazing mother. Some people go through their entire lives not knowing the kind of love that you received from your mom, even if she was taken from you much sooner than you would have liked.

Sarah said...

such a touching post. thank you for sharing. I know it was prob. hard but it makes us all appreciate everything we all have around us. my heart is with you!

EyesToTheSkye said...

You made me cry. I feel for you, because honestly for the past year I have felt the exact same way except for my dad. Sometimes I wonder how people can even say he is with me always when I can't feel him there. And then every once in awhile, right when I need it, I get a sign from him, something to show that he IS there with me and that I am strong enough to make it through this life without him being here to guide me. My thoughts are with you.

Tricia Loves Makeup and Fashion said...

What beautiful memories you have! Thank you for writing this, although, I know it must have been hard. But, in doing this, you are keeping her life "alive."
Lots of hugs!

mrs shortcake said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing - I'm going to phone my mother right now!

The Shabby Princess said...

Hugs. I know the feeling.

XOXOXOX

Tiffany said...

Sarah,

I am so sorry that your mom is not here. I am so sorry that you have totally sucky days. I hate that you have to live your life without your mom. I am praying for you as these days near the anniversary of her death might somehow be even more difficult than the other days.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in 2005 and I had all of the fears of losing her. It sucked. Praise the Lord she is currently in remission, but I still feel such a passion to pray for women like you who have faced the unbearable pain of losing your mom. I am so sorry.

I'm thinking and praying for you today.

Pink Tights and Pigskin said...

What a beautiful post. I know I am a little late with my comment, but I just want you to know how beautiful I thought this post was. And I am sure your mother did too.

Lauren said...

What a brave and beautiful post. I am sure your mom must be so proud looking down on you.

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