Thursday, October 27, 2011

Drowning the Sads

Sometimes it's hard to get any words out of my brain when I open this blog.  Either I can't think of anything to say... or I start to think of things that I don't want to say.

Lately, I've been happy. Smiling for no reason, wearing my sparkly-fancy earrings for no reason, nothing-can-get-me-down happy. 

Of course, it's easy to see that puppy love is generally responsible for this happiness.  The feeling that "enough time" together is never-ever enough and that I could spend 24/7 and still be wanting more... yeah, I'd say that sounds about right.


But then part of me feels that I'm just a little too focused on the happy.  That I'm so happy happy happy all the time because I'm trying to drown out the sad.

Next Friday, my mom will have been gone for 4 years.  Four years.  I don't even understand how that can possibly be right. 

I had a dream the other night that she was looking for me.  Or I was looking for her, I can't remember.  It was SO real that I had a hard time adjusting to reality when I woke up.  Which is extremely unlike me, I'm not much of a dreamer to begin with.

I guess what I'm trying to say is.... sometimes it's hard to write just anything here when all I really want to say is...

I miss her.

{And even worse, in my head... is that I don't have enough pictures of the two of us together.  Every time I go looking for a "new one"... there aren't any.}

So do I keep focusing on the happy-happy-happy me, the one that can't wait to get out of bed in the morning?  Because sometimes I'm a little upset that it's drowning out all my sads. 

20 Classy Comments:

Heather said...

I'm sorry. That must be hard. I lost my mom to cancer when I was a senior in high school. I am glad for you and RH though. :)

Whitney said...

Sarah, this is such a powerful post. I think it's normal to feel just a little guilty for being so happy and seemingly forgetting the sadness.

But you 100% deserve to be giddy with happiness and your mom would think so too.

Beautiful pic of you and your mom and of you and RH!

Michelle P said...

I'm so sorry. It's been 3 years since my dad passed, and I'm still sad and constantly cry over it, because he was/is my everything.

Amanda said...

No matter how many years pass, it's still going to be hard and sad and suck (I know, I'm captain obvious). And nothing can make it easier or better (another Captain Obvious), but at leas you have someone who will love you, and if you need to cry or feel sad, 100% okay! You're strong, beautiful, and happy, so when you're sad, that's normal in my book :)

Sweet Simplicity said...

Thinking of you this week, sweet girl!

PinkSass said...

xo

Remember you have to have both the happy and sad to really appreciate the happiness of life.

Sarah said...

I cannot imagine how hard this is. Thinking of you and sending a hug! Xo

etta said...

It's okay to be sad, just like it's okay to be happy. I think that both B and your mom would understand your need to feel one way or the other.

Mrs. Jones said...

Sending hugs your way!

Beach Bum & Baby said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry. I want you to know that I think about you and your mom often, I don't know why I just do. My mom has changed so much with being sick - it's like I don't even know her anymore. I see other girls out shopping and lunching with their moms and I know other friends who can drop off their kids at their moms houses and it kills me, makes me green with envy and then I think of you. I know that you must feel it 1,000x worse and that breaks my heart.
Sending you lots and lots (and LOTS!!) of hugs and love. xoxo

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

First of all, that picture of you and Mr. RH? SWEET! Love it.

I don't think you should worry about drowning out the sad. Consider what your mom would want. She wants to see you happy and she is probably really enjoying watching this happy happy happy Sarah with her new boyfriend. :)

Jessica @ Acting Adult said...

I know how hard it is to lose a parent, I'm still dealing with the lost of my dad last year. And what you said about not having enough pictures of the two of you together? It's SO true. There are never enough pictures.

Samantha said...

Hugs to you.

katie@tulsadetails said...

I lost my dad 8 years ago when I was 23 and I actually dread the whole month of August, the month he died. However, for some reason this year was a little easier. So I think time is finally healing the pain. As everyone promised. Have you happened to read the book Heaven is for Real? I loved it and found it to be really healing to know that our loved ones see us and are happy and awaiting our arrival. Hang in there. I know how hard it is.

melissa said...

I'm so sorry Sara. I'm sure your mom would be beyond thrilled that you're so happy with Mr. RH.

FashionAddict said...

Ohhhhh, hunny. I'm so sorry you have to feel guilty about your new found happiness. I think they call that survivor's guilt, right? It's completely normal, and I know that I would feel the same way. But I know as a soon-to-be mommy that I would already want my baby to be happy no matter what, and I'm sure your mamma is smiling down and finding so much joy seeing you happy. Maybe living a happy, love-filled life is the best way to honor all she meant to you...

Anonymous said...

Sweet girl,
I don't know you or your mom, but as a mom myself, I think I can honestly say that it would thrill your mama to no end for you to be happy - happy - happy! Your mom would not want you to be stuck in grief and sadness. She would want you to live life to the fullest. Enjoy this wonderful, happy time!

Sarah said...

I"m so sorry sarah. I wish there was something that I could say or do because someone as classy and fabulous shouldn't have to hurt like this. HUGS to you

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Rachel Emmilee said...

I don't usually do this, but I really want to point you to my Blog for some inspiration. It's very important to embrace the sadness, to focus on it, to listen to it and to feel it. It's important you don't ignore those feelings. No one wants to feel pain or bring on sadness, no one, but this practice actually helps you feel lighter and free from sadness.
I live like you, being happy-happy-happy all the time when really, there is so much sadness building up inside me.
I put the instructions to a very simple, rewarding practice you can do to let out the sad... I strongly encourage it!
www.rachelemmilee.blogspot.com... "Me Time, Much Needed Me Time"...

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