I'm a Few Cards Shy of a Full Deck

Now, this is a story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down I realized sometimes I'm a complete idiot.

A few weeks ago, a few people at work asked me if I was ok.

Umm, yes, totally fine.  

It happened a few days in a row, but I just figured I was tired or.... something.

Days go by.

I finally realize that, actually, I am looking a little pale.  Hmm.

One morning, while putting on my blush, I feel like I just can't get it as pigmented as I want it to be.

No matter, I just keep on keeping on.  For days.

Finally, I start to think that maybe my blush has crusted over (maybe with hairspray?) and thus the color is not releasing onto my cheeks.  But I still use it, no big deal.

Finally, one morning - after umpteen blush applications, I reach down and press into the blush with my finger nail.  My finger doesn't sink in at all - because the cute little quilted pattern was PLASTIC.

As in, I had used all my blush and magically didn't notice it had become this lovely quilted pattern.  Perhaps I was thinking I had some sort of magical, regenerating blush??


As in, for weeks I struggled with a mystery "illness" on my face and my blush magically stopped working.

Except - that only happened in my HEAD (magical land of never-ending makeup, I suppose).  And in reality I was swiping AIR onto my cheeks every morning and wondering why my cheeks never stayed (or GOT in the first place) very pink.

Oy.

 Actual Full, Working Blush is on the Right

And just to defame myself further, it's not even like I get ready to leave the house at ungodly hours.  Sometimes it's even afternoon.

Just wanted to warn all of you in case the symptoms of pale-face-itis is plaguing anyone else.

We must band together to defeat..... my craziness, apparently.

Please tell me I'm not the only person who has done something so dumb over and over and over.  Oops.

Also, if you're in the market for a new blush, I highly recommend LORAC.  It replaced my beloved Nars Orgasm because hello I am not dumb and not paying a million dollars for a blush.  The end.

The color I've been using is Velvet Rope.

End Scene. 

Oops, I Did It Again

Ya know.... sometimes, days just do not go as planned. 

Take yesterday for instance.  I was running late for my dentist appointment, and was cleaning in the bathroom when I hopped into the shower.

And for the second time in 1.5 years.... I flooded the bathroom when I left the bathroom sink running.  The drawers filled with water, I soaked 10 rolls of toilet paper under the sink, and everything I own (in the bathroom) was soaking wet.

Even when I shut off the water, I could hear it dripping under the floor and into the crawl space under the house.

I got it all cleaned up, with my hair wet and no makeup on, I rushed into my dentist appointment 1 minute late.

Only to find out that my dentist appointment is in a week. 

I'm an idiot.

Oh, and don't worry, I also got a performance review at work that was totally emotionally draining.... and  had to stay late (past my 10 pm bedtime!) to get things done.

Ugh.

Thank goodness I have today off and I get to see my girlfriends.  And the bottom of a cocktail glass, if everything goes well.

15 days till the wedding!  Only 1 million things left to wrap up!

Happy Friday!

Suck It, Monday

Sooo, yesterday was a bit of a crapshoot.  (Also, still two days left to ask me anything!)

I woke up around 5:15 AM, way before my alarm.  Didn't feel to hot, but I absolutely forced myself to go for a jog.  That wasn't so bad.

Got home, watered flowers, checked email, checked again, showered, read blogs.  Checked calender:  crap, my credit card was due SUNDAY.  And it was Monday.

Oh, fudge.

I emotionally abused myself for the late fee that I'll probably get slapped with (although right now it says $0 late fee on my account - so maybe I got a 12 hour grace period?)... but then put on my big girl panties and paid the bill. 

Considered paying the whole card instead of the statement balance... and then I scrolled to my recent transactions.

Cue my "what the what" face, $19.95 to "Experian CreditRep" billed a week ago.

Hmm.  I pulled my credit report in January cause it seemed like a good thing to do on occasion, and I remember that I needed to cancel some service or I'd get charged.  Thing is, that was $17.95 a month.

Soo.... what?  Upon further review, the charges started in March and, like an awesome idiot, this is the credit card I use exclusively for groceries - so I really don't ever look at the charges. 

Idiot, dumb dumb dumb. 

I felt like crap for the rest of the day (not helped by the fact that my numbers at work were terrible... even though it was beyond my control that nobody in my town shopped on Monday morning).

And of course I couldn't sleep this morning cause I was so stressed about the fact that I've spent $80 (at least) on nothing... and if I had just checked my damn statement, I would have noticed it sooner.

So I googled "Experian CreditRep" charges... and found hundreds of posts by people who had been fraudulently charged by FreeCreditReport.com - which I have never used.  Most people seem to think that their credit card numbers were compromised (via Experian) and used by other individuals to pull the other individuals' credit reports (at freecreditreport.com).

That, friends, is some messed up crap.  Everyone says that Experian just asks for your CC account numbers, and I'm not really down with handing out THAT information right now.... 

I filed a fraud case with my credit card... so we'll see where that goes. 

Either way, I feel like an idiot.  And I'm mad as hell.

Happy Tuesday?  (Is it Wine Wednesday yet?)

Clearly, I'm Distracted

Yesterday, I wrote that post and bawled a little bit.  I just needed a good cry, ya know?  Unfortunately, a good cry and reading a dozen other blog posts left me not so much time before I needed to be ready for work.

Off I jumped from the couch to the shower.  I set my lotion in the sink, as I normally do, and began to fill the sink with hot water.  I like my lotion nice and steamy when I get out of the shower so it's a bit less of a shock to my toasty skin.

Anyway, turned the sink on hot, started the shower, wait.

I started puttering around the bathroom and I suddenly realized that the water was warm.  So I hopped in the shower for a nice loooong, hot shower.  Had to wash the stress away.

Twenty minutes later, I stepped out of the shower.  The first thing that hit me was the sound of dripping.  Loud dripping.

The sound of the sink overflowing onto the tile floor.

C-r-a-p.

I left the water in the sink running (on scalding hot) for my whole 20 minute shower.

The water flowed all over the floor, filled my vanity drawer and ran underneath the tiles to the subfloor and soaked the carpet in the hallway.

It's kinda hard to see in the picture, but the drawer of all my bathroom stuff was filled with water.  I wanted to snap a picture of my stupidity but my hands were shaking too hard cause I was so upset.

And even sadder, the brand new 12-pack of toilet paper was totally soaked.  Despite the fact that only 2 rolls were sitting on the bottom of the vanity, the water soaked all the way up.

So, what I'm trying to say is... I'm losing my mind. 

I am so dumb sometimes.  Fortunately, today is a new day.  And it better be a good one!

Still Alive, 13 Days Later

Hi, my name is Sarah and I have been away for 13 very long days..... maybe longer, cause that last post was rather half-assed.

Work and life and... more work have been brewing a perfect storm to completely zap my brain of any and all non-essential thoughts - like, "where is my next glass of wine going to come from?"

I'm running the ship solo at work right now so I am having even more self-doubt and loathing than usual, which results in blog neglect.  I know, you are all weeping with how much you've missed me.

Moving along.

This past week, I did something really crazy.  Something that I haven't done in over 13 years, if not longer.  Something that I swore up and down I would never, ever do again.  (Maybe.  I'm not sure I really remember, to be honest.)

I joined my local library.

I know, you're all, umm, who cares?  Well, I do.

You see, 13 years ago, I was in the 6th grade.  Roughly, I'm not looking up dates here.

I had just completed a 30 page paper on the Czech Republic (Catholic school is Awesome!) and had recently returned a dozen books to the library drop box in the library parking lot.

A couple of days later, we got a letter in the mail billing us for one of the books.  My mom called up and told them we returned the book and... ya know, what the heck?

Person at the library tells my mom that the book was returned wet and we owed the library.

Mom very calmly tells the library person that the book was dry and perhaps an employee might have dropped it in the snowy parking lot?

No, they insist we pay OR ELSE.

(Note: from here on out my recollection is hazy.  I remember... but then again, I am special.)

Somehow, we get a letter in the mail informing us (my mom and I) that... I dunno, our behavior was unacceptable?  They said my mom cursed at a library employee and restated that we had to pay the wet-book fine.

My mom?

Loses it.

My mom was NOT a person who cursed, ever.  When I told my dad this story about the library last week, he said he had maybe heard her curse half a dozen times in 20 years of marriage.

So, my mom did not curse out a library employee.

Up until this point in my life, my mom, brother, and I were extremely awesome fans of the library.  I read several versions of the Sweet Valley twins series in their entirety.  I had to keep a running list on our first computer of which books I had read and would print it and bring it with me to the library (because I was the dorkiest child alive).

After that day, I stopped going to the library, cold turkey.  I went to my college library, of course, but stayed far from my hometown library. 

In the past few years, my library got remodeled and completely gutted on the inside.  And after my last post about expensive Kindle books, everyone said I had to join the library asap.

So, I put on my big girl panties and joined the library.  There was NOT a Wanted poster with my picture in the lobby, THANK GOD.

I rented the Kindle book of Sisterhood Everlasting and read it in under 48 hours (side note: SOB!).  And all was well and right with the world.

And less then 48 hours later a man went on a shooting spree in my smallish-city and (allegedly, according to rumors) was apprehended in said library.

I said it once, 13 years ago, and I'll say it again: I'm done with the library!

Kidding.  Probably.  But for real, would YOU be hanging out around there now?

Didn't think so.

So, how's life treating all of you?  Read any good books lately?

I Get Confused Sometimes.

Last week, an acquaintance bumped into me at work.  She told me about the big bag of clothes she had just purchased (I was interested, duh) and then said she had to run to Target cause her mom had told her about this amazing something-or-other.

I demanded to know what this gadget was because, hello, I love stuff.

And off she goes on a tangent about the Magic Bullet.  Loudly.

I'm looking around making sure no coworkers can hear her.  Obviously I'm not listening to her at this point.

Because if I was, I would have realized...

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words.

Distracted

A week or so ago, I sketched out a huge list of blog posts that have been bouncing around in my brain from far too long.

Which is awesome, cause it got them off my mind. And then I lost the piece of paper. SWEET!

(I know, I'm so retro! I can't even believe I still remember how to write with a ballpoint pen. How 20th century!)

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Work has been crazy-busy lately... and for once, it has been going really well. Not to be braggy (who are we kidding here?), but I kinda kicked ass late last week. I felt like I had everything under control (except in my head - it was chaos there).

And then there were some recent developments of a more personal nature that just had me amped up around the clock. Can't eat, can't sleep - that kind of thing...

And I pinky promise that I will update you all on the situation as soon as there is something to tell.

But for now, I'm running the show at work this week and need to do a good job. For my sanity. To prove that I can be awesome.

Although, with all the distractions I seem to keep stumbling into - I just hope everything just doesn't go up in flames.

Like this grilled orange bell pepper that I may have forgotten about on the grill. What, you don't like charring?

Or, you know, flaming-ly burnt like the back of my poor knees.

I know you can't see a damn thing in this picture (except the weird bow-leggedness of my legs?) because there's no contrast between all the redness... but let me just assure you that being burnt on the back of your knees is maybe the worst place to be burnt, ever.

Especially when your job involves walking around all day (bad, but not so bad) and bending over and cleaning up messes (omg, worst pain ever. don't bend the knees, ever!).

So if you see me walking around dazed and confused... just point me in the direction of Victoria's Secret. Their semi-annual sale starts at 7 am and at least I'll probably be able to do some minor damage in my distracted state.

Also, you should always pay attention to your grill while grilling. It's a fire hazard.

Wordless Wednesday: SPF PSA

Word to the Wise: If it's warm enough to sit in the sun for multiple hours reading a book... it's warm enough that you should be wearing sunscreen.

Three days later, my upper arm is still on fire. I am so dumb, for real.

Also, please enjoy the late 90s bath towel on the left side of the picture. Best towel in the world, for serious. Too bad it's uggly.

What I'm Wearing to the Royal Wedding

I haven't posted much about the Royal Wedding, but, like many of you, I have been planning my outfit for ages.

Does one wear traditional wedding attire for an 11 am wedding? Pastels? Hats?

What about jewelry? Pearls? Diamonds?

Updo? Curly hair? Geesh, the OPTIONS!

I feel so out of touch with wedding etiquette.

No worries. I've thought it alllll out for you.

Seeing as it will be 4 am when the wedding coverage starts here in Indiana.... one has to be aware of the circumstances of these outfits.

As in, I will be rolling directly from my bed to the couch in this outfit. Get excited.

Option #1: Victoria's Secret gray/white robe, navy sweatpants.

Nice, but seems to be a bit lacking in color/jazz.

Outfit #2: Victoria's Secret PINK robe, formerly condemned to the trash pile. It just seems to keep hanging around.

The color of this one is great, although this bad boy is extremely worn. It's seen me through breakups and breakdowns and really needs to go live in the trash pile.

Option #3: Leopard jersey robe, gifted to me by my BFF for my birthday.
Meow! Although this seems to highlight the guitar on my fav t-shirt rather unflatteringly. *Sigh* Nothing's ever perfect.

In all my haste to put together the perfect outfit, I had completely forgotten several things. Jewelry, hats, lip color.

And then again.... shouldn't I be dressing for my favorite member of the royal wedding?

(Photo from here)

I mean, he's still single and he's.... what, 4th in line for the throne? (Pffft, let's forget about that pesky Chelsy Davy.)

Outfit #4: Add in a hat, jewelry, some color, and the perfect spandex yoga pants.

Much better.

Let the countdown begin.... T-Minus 12 hours...

Who's going to be chatting it out with me on twitter at 4 am?? Hmm?

Hypothetically Grounded.

So last night I was out gallivanting out in central Indiana for several hours. Ran a bunch of errands and ended up in downtown Indy.

Fast forward 4 hours until 9 pm.

BFF calls and warns of imminent Bad Storms and how you Shouldn't Drive In Them.

Dad calls and does the same thing.

Texts from 2 other sweet ladies.. "don't drive home!"

And I watch 34 seconds of the weather and decide I have PLENTY of time to get home.

CUE FORESHADOWING.

I'm about at the point in my drive where one might remark that, "hey, Indiana is all corn fields all the time. Wide open spaces and nothing for miles."

Cue tornado siren.

Umm.... well.

So what does dumb 24-year-old do?

Calls her daddy, duh.

"Ohmigosh I'm at such-and-such location and the sirens are going off and do you think I should get out of my car and go lay in a ditch now?!"

At this point, it isn't even raining. Or storming.

At this point I'm panicked because of the damn siren. For a lot of my life there were no sirens anywhere I lived and I have survived many major tornadoes... but those sirens are scary. All I could hear was "IMMINENT DEATH."

A more thorough evaluation of my surroundings probably would have cued me in to the non-imminent-danger. Or not. Haven't you ever heard of the calm before the storm?! IT EXISTS!

Luckily a McDonalds gas station appeared like a mirage from my dreams.

I pulled over and ran inside.

Nevermind the fact that half the employees and all the customers are actually sitting out front staring at the sky.

The place was crawling with 30 Future Farmers of America. Acting approximately how you might expect high schoolers to act.

(Wait, does not everyone have experience with the Future Farmers of America? Haha, oh Indiana.)

Long story short, the weather missed where I was but if I had kept driving I would have gone right through the path of some verrry nasty wind.

Longer story also shorter, when you are 24 and live with your daddy and call him in the "middle of the night" to panic, he will probably lose 10 years off his life. I probably owe him an iPad now?

And also, I'm grounded.

Self-imposed, but I totally deserve it.

If you need to get ahold of me I will be covertly sneaking onto AIM at 11 pm after my parents fall asleep. Oh wait, that was 10 years ago.

Thank you Miss Daisy for getting me home safely. xoxoxo.

Hope you are all safe and sound out there in the big wide world. Don't be stupid (like me)! xo

Humiliation is a Dish Best Served Fresh

Sorry for the lack of posts lately... I've not been doing too well lately which has reduced me to tweeting out all the thoughts running through my brain. You're welcome, tweets.

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Yesterday was Sunday, which, for me, is a work day. I 'rise and shined' before 7 am to get ready for the day and was off to 9 am church before I started work at 10:30 am.

It was about 5 minutes into mass when I realized I was having a bit of an issue.

Wiggling and clenching and tugging ensued.

But no matter what I did, my underwear were driving me insane. Wiggle shimmy un-wedgie but in a nonchalant way so nobody knows I'm digging my underwear out of my crack.

Yeah, no dice.

So halfway through mass I decide that there is no way I can work all day on my feet like this - plus I had a bridal shower to attend after work.

So I swing by my neighborhood Target and grab the first $3 pair of undies I see (they are cute - pink with white polka dots!).

Shove them in my purse and off to work.

I get down to business and realize that it's almost time for my co-worker to stop by before the store opens - we had a few last minute bridal-shower details to discuss.

I run to grab my wallet and... oh, can you see where this is going?

Out come the lovely undies and I'm stammering with a way to explain that situation.

No, I swear I wasn't getting jiggy in the back office with my boyfriend (electronic or otherwise) and stashed my panties in my purse.

No, I swear I didn't poughkeepsie in my panties.

No, I swear I did not just go all 14-year-old-girl and start my period all over my girl pants.

So I had to flat out tell her I was having a wedgie situation and couldn't stand to be that uncomfortable all day.

Classy, especially since I'm her boss.

And then I proceeded to the bathroom where I tossed out a brand-new (minus 3 hours of wear) pair of Vickie's hipster panties in the trash.

And the kicker, it turns out, is that those panties I tossed are supremely awesome, as evidenced by the other new pair I pulled out of my drawer and put on this morning. (This style, if you must know.)

Turns out I just was wearing a pair 2 sizes too big yesterday.

Ooops.

Hey, what's life if you can't laugh at yourself.... right?

I mean, it's better than the alternative - being laughed at instead of being laughed with.

Happy Monday!

Smack Me, Please

On Tuesday, I decided that I could no longer wait to order a remote for my camera. Since I had spent my last day off searching for that damn little remote, I decided that the remote must have disappeared.

I had torn apart my entire room and closet looking for it, no dice. All my dressers and shelves.

So on Tuesday I ordered the remote. Will be delivered today.

So last night I scrolled through this old blog here to see if perhaps I could spot when I last used it. Saw a picture of myself in Chicago and had a vague *pop* of brain matter in my head.

Can we see where this is going?

I jump up from the couch, walk to my closet where my little travel organizer is sitting. Open it.

Damn, I'm an idiot.

(Not only for putting my camera remote in my travel toiletries case but for not looking there in the first place since I did just take a weekend trip.)

So now I debate whether to return the 2nd remote or keep it. I mean, I could use that $23 for something else. Although the $5 to ship it will only net me $18. Seriously, my life.

At least I have some shoes to return also so it won't be a complete wasted trip to the post office.

Smack me, I'm an idiot.

Also, try to do it someplace non-visible cause I owe this blog many a fashion photo. Coming right up!

I Am What's Wrong With America. Right Here.

Today, I would love to be writing some post about how I did my country proud. About how I exercised my democratic freedoms and used the hard-earned right to vote.

But... with deepest shame, I am telling you: I did not vote today. I am not voting this year.

You may remember that since the last election I have moved twice. Which means I should have updated my driver's license. Twice.

(Updated to Clarify: to vote, I have to register in my current township... which is different than the one I used to live in. Which is less than 1 mile away. Weird but true.)

But here's the thing. On October 17, 2007, my life was very different.

My license had been expired for 3 days and I was a carefree 21 year old who feared that, if pulled over with a 3 day expired license, I was going to go to Jail.

Even though the card expired on my 21st birthday and the place had been closed for the weekend that whole time.

Didn't matter, I was sure I was gonna get busted and sent to the Big House.

But that's neither here nor there.

The girl in this picture was carefree and happy. Life had thrown a few hard punches her way but life was still really good.

Her highlights were growing out but it didn't matter cause that was very stylish at the time.

The state (country?) hadn't passed the damn STUPID law that makes you frown in your ID picture.

(Feel free to be jellus of my mad Photoshop Microsoft Paint Skillz.)

The girl in that picture is happy and gorgeous and smiling.

Within a month of that picture being taken my life definitely got turned upside down.

When I look at that picture it makes me smile... and it makes everybody with their new frowny-pictured-licenses jealous.

So I'm not voting today cause I'm vain.

But you totally should cause you're an awesome American.

And I have an awesome ID picture.

Please don't hate me cause my picture is cuter than yours (or cause I'm being a bad American).

Am I crazy or is this totally normal behavior?? What say you, internets?

She Works Hard for the Money

So, yesterday I arrived at work at 3 pm and left at 2:15ish AM. You can tell that this was Fun Times.

It was challenging and overwhelming and I'm glad it's over. Of course, by "over" I mean that I'm about to jump off the couch and go back into work (pre-9 am) on my day off.

Woohoo!

But that's neither here nor there. Cause I got somethin to share.

Last night, as I'm organizing other people and trying to get things moving... I bent over.

At a quick speed. With force.

And it just so happened... I neglected to see the plexiglass container that I forcefully slammed my forehead into.

Why yes, I DO take lovely photos at 2:45 am! Thank you for noticing!

And can you see the big old THIRD EYE growing out of my forehead?

It's hard to tell that it's all purple and green... but it is!

And yes, my nose really is that big!

And so just in case you thought you had a worse job than mine.... check yourself before you wreck yourself, boo.

Humiliation brought to you by a long work day, sleep deprivation, and possibly a teeny bit of the stomach flu.

Humiliation Complete. Ish.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to wait for a giveaway until next week. I have breaking news to share today.

So I wear the most slumpy, ick pair of black pants to work yesterday. I was tired and moody and these pants are pretty tired and moody themselves.

So I'm going about my business when one of my employees busts out laughing. So loudly.

And she's pointing at me. Terrific.

Yep, a solid 3 inches of thigh was hanging out the side seam of my pants. For all to see. (Sorry I rolled up my shirt in this pic so you could get the full effect of awesome.)

I wanted to run into the bathroom and strip and duct tape that seam back together... but I didn't have the time yesterday. We were swamped.

So I walked around yesterday with my shirt yanked over my thighs.

Looking like a hooker in flyaway pants. Said my boss and co-worker.

Awesome.

How a Bra Nearly Ended My Life

On Saturday, I got all dressed up in a fancy, strapless dress.

I wore heels, which is practically blog-worthy in and of itself these days.

Halfway through the night, my strapless dress was driving me INSANE. The "girls"? They could not be contained. At all.

I was pulling up the top of my dress every 3 seconds. Over and over. And over.

At one point, I went to the bathroom and unzipped my dress to breathe for a few minutes.

And discovered the truth - that my strapless bra underwire was attempting to kill me by rubbing a hole in my chest.

Not kidding.

And because I am nothing if not completely all about oversharing... I present to you:

The Bra Abrasion Sensation

Picture taken with lowest-def webcam for obvious locational reasons.

But that's all the stories I can get out this Monday morning because I have to go figure out how to NOT wear a bra to work. Because... ouch.

Happy Monday Lovelies!