Aftermath: 1 Year Later

A year ago today, my life became sectioned into two parts. Before and After.

Before... I was half of a whole. I was on a team. Somebody had my back.

After... I was am confused. I feel very much alone. If I needed someone in the middle of the night, I don't think I would feel comfortable calling anyone.

-------------------------

This past year, the year following the big break up from my main squeeze of six-ish years, has been one of the longest of my life.

Everything I thought I knew, before, isn't.

I literally feel like my world has turned, for better or worse, upside down.

-------------------------

The day before the breakup, we attended the wedding of one of my very best friends.

It was a perfect wedding. Beautiful ceremony, awesome reception. Just a perfect day.

I caught the bouquet. My 2nd in a six month period.

(Obviously posing for a different photo when this one was taken. But you can see my awesome hair. I was channeling Audrey Hepburn.)

That day, as I caught the bouquet, I was sure it held so much promise.

Of a future together. Of a long life and much happiness.

Or of an excellent friend of a bride who was sending a hint to her friend's boyfriend to get this show on the road already.

-------------------------

A year ago, I lived my life day to day, hoping against hope that he would finally get me. Or that he would wake up one morning "ready."

Ready never came.

Today, I'm not wishing on flowers, dead or real.

It's true I'm not living my perfect life - not by a long shot.

But I'm still here, and I'm still smiling.

-------------------------

I don't know what life has in store for me.

I worry if my health will hold up well enough to have kids.

I worry that I will never be able to let my guard down enough to love again.

So much uncertainty. So little time.

-------------------------

But I survived.

Without my mom to tell me I was the prettiest and smartest and most awesome-est girl in the world and that any boy would be lucky to have my.

Without any of my college friends nearby.

Without wanting to tell anyone what had happened and wishing that the world would just swallow me up whole.

-------------------------

If you are reading this (discombobulated, rambling tale) and you are me, one year ago... you'll survive.

And in the aftermath, you will find a woman inside of you that you never knew existed.

One with a hell of a lot more strength than you ever thought you had.

Life's not perfect, and I still haven't found my happy ending.

I have no reason to believe that things are going to work out perfectly. In fact, I have evidence to the contrary.

But at the end of the day, I believe.

Tomorrow is another day....
and you never know what may be just around the corner.

Why Must I Torture Myself??

Kids, just so ya know - this was an "I need a full cup of tea before we even begin post."

So, it's the Eve of Christmas Eve. I'm about to sit down and watch It's a Wonderful Life... and you all know how I feel about that.

I'm all happy and warm and fuzzy and as I am sitting down in a chair, I open up my laptop to my school e-mail. And there's a Facebook message notification.

(Ten points to anybody who can guess exactly where I'm going with this.)

It's a message from The Boy. Everyone is talking around me and eating and getting comfortable but all I can hear is the blood ringing in my ears.

So of course I open it right away. You don't think I have superhuman self control, do you?

It basically says (very paraphrased to protect the "innocent"):

It's the holidays so I felt like it is right of me to let you know that I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you or your friends and family. I know that doesn't make it better, but still.

I have been wondering what you're doing and where you are. I have wanted to reach out but thought it best to not do so. Being out East has given me the opportunity to think about my situation and learn even more about myself. My job is good - it keeps me busy and allows me the opportunity to travel. I found out recently I will be relocating in February, which will be another big change in my life.

I hope your life is going well and that you are figuring things out. It is weird not speaking to you every day and I would love to know that you are doing alright.

Merry Christmas,
The Boy

So I read the note... and then I totally went "there." You know - the self-deluding place where I instantly assume that he misses me and wants to get back together and wants me to have his babies.

For a few hours, I was totally there. Stomach churning, nerves completely shot, head-over-heels confused.

And then I re-read it. And realized that A) he first talked about himself, and at length and B) he just wanted to know how I was doing.

He was probably home for the holidays and bored. And lonely. And who will "always" be there for him? Me.

So I took 2 days to reply.. but I couldn't not reply.

And now that I'm reading over my response... I'm too embarrassed to post it. I sound very.... hurt and desperate.

So I said:

If you are sending this because you want forgiveness, you've got it. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt.

My life is fine but I'm not overflowing with success stories. If you thought that you could dump me and suddenly I would turn my life around and turn my sob story into a success story - you're wrong.

I miss my best friend and it's not been easy by a long shot. I'm glad you're doing so well and that things are turning out for you. I never doubted that you would lack for success.

I'm sorry if this seems awkward, but this is hard as hell for me to write.
Sarah

In reality, I think my response was much sassier. I was downright cold in some of it. But I couldn't help it - I really am hurt and he did lead me on for so many years... clearly I'm bitter.

And he never replied.

I guess he got the information he wanted and was done with that. Checked it off his list so he could feel like a better person this holiday season.

I was bursting to tell someone about this little interaction but I didn't want to put it on here as the beginning or ending of my year... it's a part of my life, but not my whole life (at least not anymore).

So now I feel as light as a feather... this blog is clearly my confessional.

Let's just hope my new reader from this weekend (hi Douglassville, Pennsylvania!) is neither The Boy or his new girlfriend. (And if you are Douglassville, PA and read my blog for several hours this past Saturday.... say hi!)

Great, now I've officially spooked him/her. They'll never be back now.

Happy Monday everyone! I would very much appreciate any good vibes this week on the job front... *omg cross my fingers*

To Be Alone

What does it mean to be alone?

Are you alone when you are driving in your car, by yourself? Are you alone when you are walking in a crowded place with other people?

When my dad had surgery a week and a half ago, I felt very, very alone. I sat in a crowded waiting room filled with families and friends, alone.

Because my dad is stubborn and proud, he didn't tell my mom's family that he was having surgery. He told his siblings and dad, but only a couple of days before. None of our family lives within 4 hours driving distance... so it was just me.

When the surgery finished, the surgeon wanted to talk to me. I sat in the little meeting room, alone. My brother was at school but I couldn't get him on the phone. When the surgeon said there were complications, I didn't know what to do. Should I call someone? Keep it to myself? It was all just so - weird.

When I dated The Boy, I never felt alone. Even though he was a horrible listener, I felt like he generally had a good sense of where I was and he would notice if I went missing.

When I lived with 3 of my best friends, I know they kept tabs on me. Anytime someone went off the map for an extended period of time, we all got stressed - calling mutual friends and making sure that everyone was ok.

I had an idea of where this post would go when I started... but now I'm not so sure. Of course I know that God is always with me... but it's not the same.

Sometimes, being alone - not having that person and that sounding board - really sucks.

Do you ever feel alone?

6/22/09

I don't know how to start this post. On one hand, there are about a million things I want to say. On the other hand, I can't even think of where to begin.

Yesterday, The Boy and I made the decision to end our relationship. You know it's funny that I say "we" made the decision when it's pretty clear to me that it's not me who did the deciding, but whatever.

For several months now, I have been pushing him, questioning him. You see, in August he is moving to Connecticut to begin a program with a large company. This program will take him to 4 different locations in the next 2 years so he can learn the ropes there.

While I have been very excited for him and this opportunity, I, naturally, wanted to know where this left us. I didn't expect him to miss out on this opportunity, nor did I expect him to pledge his undying love for me right then and there.

I just wanted to know where we stood. I wanted to know if a ring was in my future - even if it wasn't an immediate future. A few weeks ago, we had a discussion and he told me that we would be engaged in under a year. While this satisfied me for about 1.5 minutes, it didn't make me feel peace. Instead, I was just uneasy.

I pushed the issue - why not by Christmas? The fall?? That would still give him time to save up and make plans. He insisted that his plans needed to center around springtime, so I dropped it. Sort of.

This past weekend, we went to one of my good friend's weddings. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt such a deep sense of joy watching their union.

Despite that joy, I was so bitterly jealous. I felt like such a bad person because I want nothing more in the world than to feel so in love and ready to start a life together. If I have any complaint against my life right now, I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, and I hate that feeling.

We got home Sunday and went out separate ways, each to our own parents homes. He called me and was pretty insistent that we hang out and watch a movie. We watched Ocean's 13 with my dad and had a nice, relaxed night.

After my dad went to bed, I started up again.

"I just need to know we're heading towards marriage," I said.

It all went downhill from there.

The Boy basically told me that while he loves me and I am his best friend, he just can't see a future where we are together and married. He says that there are too many little issues wrong in our relationship and that, by now, he should know that he wants to marry me, not be questioning our relationship.

I, needless to say, am broken. I have spent six years - 26% of my life - with this man. We have grown and changed together.

We have dealt with death - my mom's, his grandpa's, my grandma and grandpa's. We have been to weddings. We have learned together, grown together.

Right now, I am mostly in shock. He is my best friend. He is the person I want to dial when I pick up the phone. He is my family. My other half. Since my mom's death, he is the only one I turn to. He is my person.

As he looked at me and told me he didn't see us together - I didn't know what to think. All I could see was little tow-haired children with his weird, kinky hair. All I could see was lazy Sundays spent reading the paper in bed and weeks spent traveling and exploring the world.

I don't know if this break-up will last - and honestly, part of me is holding out hope that it won't. Part of me is waiting (desperately) for the phone to ring. I would settle for a text from him.

Today, I am broken. I want to puke but there's nothing in my stomach. I want to cry but my eyes are basically swollen closed.

I want to know what he told his little sister - did she cry? Is she mad at me (or at him)? What do his parents think of me now (I have always been a little sensitive as to what his parents think of me)?

Today, I am in a fog. The world has tilted so dramatically on its axis that part of me feels like I am Alice in Wonderland and I have just dropped through the rabbit hole.

Part of me wonders if I'll ever feel whole again.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game...

On Friday, the Boy and I ventured out to downtown Indy to watch the Indianapolis Indians play at Victory Field.

I haven't been to a baseball game in years so it was really fun to get out and about and enjoy the beautiful weather.

Speaking of which, was absolutely perfect. I'd say it was about 75 degrees and perfect the entire night... perfect for a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game was BORING and nobody scored FOREVER so I had to find ways to entertain myself.

The most important way to entertain yourself is to seek out your favorite sporting event food:

The Lemon Chill. I, myself, need Lemon Chills at any and all sporting event. It's just not a sport if you can't buy a Lemon Chill. (Speaking of which - Chicago Cubs - what's the deal? No lemon chills?? WTF?)

Another way to entertain yourself is to make The Boy feel meticulous by styling him in some sport-appropriate looks. Like the hat?? Stylin', I know.

Fortunately, the Indy Indians redeemed themselves with a spectacular showing of fireworks after the game. Have I mentioned that Fourth of July is my FAVORITE holiday and I LOVE fireworks??
In fact, I announced to The Boy that I would in fact like to have fireworks at my wedding reception. He was all meh about it but I don't care... I think they are fun and special and I saw it on "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" so it must be true..

It was a good weekend all around here... how was your weekend??

P.S. Have you given me any suggestions for my summer reading list?? You should!

Scenes from Sunny* Florida

I am still having fun here in sunny Florida, although "sunny" may be a literal interpretation. In fact, foggy would be a better interpretation.
We've accumulated some nasty sunburns thus far, so we spent most of today inside.

Around 5 o'clock The Boy and I headed out to the beach for a quick photo shoot.
As you can see, it's CRAZY-FOGGY here. It looked like this for the majority of the day.

Despite all of my complaining, I still have this little guy to get me through.
Yay for Spring Break!

Fresh New Monday

Monday, Monday, Monday.

I usually hate Mondays. I almost always seem to complain about them on here. However, this Monday seems a little different. Today starts my last week of class before SPRING BREAK.

I was not planning on taking a fabulous Senior Year Spring Break... I just felt like it was a waste of money and blah blah blah. But last Monday, the boy convinced me to go to Florida with him and his friends. I resisted like hell, but in the end I guess I decided to go for it.

I'm leaving on Friday for Florida and flying home on Thursday by myself to get caught up with the million and one things I need to do with my "break" from school.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that you can't go on spring break without a bunch of cool clothes and awesome swimsuits. And because I spend most of my life in hibernation from the freezing cold temperatures.

Which means some shopping therapy is in order. I need some cute, beachy outfits - STAT!

Updates to come if I can find anything...

Wish me luck!

Happy Monday!