Wednesday, June 1, 2011

All the Married Ladies

If you've been hanging around here for any length of time, you know that almost 2 years ago I got dumped by the guy who had previously been known as The One. We had been dating for over 5 years.

I'm over it, I know it was for the best, and recently I feel like I've emerged from post-breakup-haze. I have no idea what that phrase means, but it seems appropriate. I feel like a new person all of a sudden. All single and shiny and new.

In my new, shiny personality, I have started to notice a trend. Anybody who knows me - from coworkers to friends to the lady who hems my pants - wants to set me up. If a single man between the ages of 18 and 40 walks into the same room as me, the nearest 15 women in the vicinity (who know that I am single) give me the stare down.

Basically, I feel like a circus sideshow.

Half of my friends are pushing me to join match.com/eharmony/catholiccupid.com and on and on and on.

The other half are dying to introduce me to their little brother/husband's best friend/random guy from the street/random cop/friend who would be PERFECT for me. If only I didn't have such high standards. I mean, really, the fact that he has a child by the town floozy means it has tons of relatives in the area. To babysit, ya know.

And really, BFF, your brother is the same age as my brother and they used to play together. It could not get any weirder.

So here's where I need the input from all the married ladies. My friends are ALL on team "It'll only happen if you make it happen." As in, start going on tons of dates, put yourself way out there, you'll never know unless you try.

Me? I'm on team "It'll happen when it happens." I don't think any amount of forcing the situation is going to get me into a veil any sooner.

But then again, what do I know?

Just in case, I've got a shiny updated picture of myself. Set it to Twitter last night and I feel so fresh and new. Guess the 2007 photos were getting a wee bit outdated.

So, do you sentence me to a lifetime of match.com obsession? Or not?

Hit me with your best dating and mating advice.

40 Classy Comments:

Kirsten said...

Oh, I was the same way! I was completely thrown into a tizzy when "the one" dumped me. Over the phone. The day after he had given me a beautiful diamond necklace. Everyone has good intentions for setting their single friends up, and I was no exception. However, I decided not to "put myself out there" because in my mind that screamed "desperation." I went on a few dates here and there, and then, after enjoying myself for a few years (I traveled, opened a business, and did other cool things that I would not have been able to do if I were tied down to a relationship), met the man who is now my husband. I'm so glad I did it that way! :)

Impulsive Addict said...

I absolutely don't think that Internet dating is a bad idea. A few of my friends have tried this and have made lasting relationships that led to marriage.

TRY IT AND JUST SEE! But I also agree that love will find you when the time is right.

I just sounded completely cheesy and I don't like that.

Happy Hump Day!

Em said...

I have mixed emotions about this. I am a firm believer of it will happen when it happens. I went on a few dates with my husband and remember telling him that I had no intention of getting married until I was 90. Well, I am 26 and have been married for 4 years next month.

I think you should let people know you are interested again but I wouldn't take a trip off the high dive and go with the set-ups and the internet sites. You might give the friends of friends thing a shot just to get back in the swing of things.

As far as dating sites go I only know two people who have done it. One got scammed out of money (but she is unbelievably trusting) and the other just got matched with a bunch of people she had zero interest in.

Whatever you decide to do make sure you are comfortable with it! Your friends won't (or shouldn't) be upset if you turn down their best friends/brother's/coworker!

Becky said...

I met my husband at an out-of-town wedding (cliche much? Why, yes! Yes I am!) while I was on my way to yet another out-of-town job interview... So, yes. It'll happen when it happens. And you may not have to be as drunk as I was for it to happen! ;) haha

Anonymous said...

I say you should go on some dates, enjoy yourself. Just put yourself out there. Figure out what you like and don't in guys and I'm telling you one day it will just happen.

I went on many an awful first dates before Preston and after my 5 year relationship ended and sometimes they were awful and sometimes fun but I'm SO happy I did it now.

Meg said...

After I broke up with my first love -- a "mutual" decision, I guess, but more his call than mine -- I was definitely in post-breakup-haze... and I'm not ashamed to admit that lasted about four years (!). Though I dated other people in that time span -- one for several years (oops) -- none of it compared to First Love and everything we had.

Then, as you say, I suddenly emerged. Out of nowhere, I snapped -- and snapped out of my funk. I ended the pseudo-relationships I was in. I got serious about myself and doing what I wanted. I lost weight, put myself out there and made new friends. I took on more responsibilities at work. I focused on how awesome I was.

And it does happen. But I made it happen.

At the encouragement of friends and family, I joined OkCupid.com -- and I'll put it on out there: it was so fun. So fun, in fact, that I was really just enjoying "boyfriend shopping" for the longest time without really making plans with anyone in particular. I was on the site for two months when I got a note from a sweet guy who lived nearby... and, though I'd been emailing back and forth with others and gone on a few pleasant but lukewarm dates, this one seemed different.

Spencer and I met in the spring of 2010 and have been inseparable since. Though we only live 20 miles apart, we often joke that we would never have met if we hadn't both joined the dating site. I'm ridiculously in love with him and never thought I'd find someone to compare with the First Love -- but I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

So, now that I've written you a novel (sorry!), I'll go on the record as saying yes, it'll happen when it happens, but I think we make our own destinies. Do what's right for you, but don't be afraid to be bold and daring. You're beautiful, strong and capable -- if you're ready to rock and roll, take the plunge and join a site! It's fun, I promise.

The Shabby Princess said...

I agree that it will happen when it happens, but, it can't happen if you aren't doing anything. I've been married for six years and I had no intentions of getting married when I met my husband--but, we were essentially set up. So, that one worked out well! Ha. Try the online scene, or take up your friends on some of their (non creepy) offers--you never know who's out there until you look.

Good luck sweetface!

Brittany said...

I think the truth lies in between the "it'll happen when it happens" and "it'll only happen if you make it happen." For the lady above who met her husband at a wedding, that was being at the right place at the right time. But I bet she had to be in the right frame of mind to chat it up with a new guy at a wedding, and maybe she went over and talked to him first. Obviously I'm just using that situation as an example, I have no idea what really happened! Just that I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. Can't be a mopey wall flower sitting in the corner and expect to meet the man of your dreams, right? PS I asked my husband to prom. Two weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And then we got married 5 years later.

Jamie said...

I agree that it happens when it happens, but I will say this: every good relationship I have had started with a common interest. My fiance and I met in a political setting because that's what we are both interested in. Other good relationships started at the gym, in classes, or in settings where I was volunteering. I think those starting points- just kind of looking around in environments where you would naturally be anyway- can be really good places to meet people.

But if it doesn't work out, you might have to switch gyms :)

Kelly Beatrice said...

as a girl who just moved in with her "internet" (match.com-shameless plug) boyfriend of a year and a half, I'm all for the internet dating.

I'm not opposed to friends of friends, but my friends didn't really have available men. PLUS there's the awkward fall out (I set a friend up with a friend's brother) when he turns out to be kind of a perv.

online dating websites facilitate the type of relationships you may not make otherwise. M and I lived in neighboring cities- minneapolis/st. paul, but neither were bar frequents, I am in law school, he's in marketing, and with 2 and a half years separating us, we had zero 'people' in common from school even.

can't hurt to throw a line out there and try. OH and I never paid a dime- met him on my free 3-day trial :)

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I met my husband when I most certainly wasn't looking, but... I do think you have to put yourself out there. Maybe try the internet thing?? If nothing else, it might give you some great stories to tell ;)

SouthernBelleJM said...

Umm, I'm on your side. I think it will happen when it supposed to happen. I don't think you have to "throw" yourself out there. Don't close yourself off to dates, dinners, etc.

I used to think I'd never get married and by age 28, I was more of the if I get married, great. If I don't, it's not the end of the world.

I didn't meet LC til I was 28 1/2. It was so unexpected. We met through friends.

So, I say just be yourself!

Jane said...

I've been meaning to ask you if you feel better? Also ... being that I am now 30 and single with absolutely no options and no one even trying to set me up because I don't know anyone who knows anyone who is single anymore and I'm probably going to end up as an old maid unless I move to a different city ... take advantage of some of the opportunities. Nothing says you have to go on every date ... but go on one. or two. Stay in practice. :)

THE Stephanie said...

First of all, I LOVE your pic. Gorgeous, girl!!

Second, as a married lady (lol), I can only speak to my own experience, but for me, I met my husband when I stopped looking. I had been in an on-again-off-again relationship for over 5 years. I had always been too afraid to end it for fear that I'd end up alone. When I did end it, and resigned to stop looking and just be ok with where I was, that's when I met my husband.

Now, I know every situation is different, but that's mine. :)

Bottom line? You're beautiful and seem to have a great personality. What's not to love??

Sara said...

I think you are right in that it will happen when it happens. That being said, no great guy is going to come knock on your door out of the blue. You have to put yourself out there and meet people.

I'm not saying you have to be set up with everyone that wants you to be, but get out and go to parties, church groups, etc. I met my husband from a group of mutual friends and not one person would have set us up since we weren't each others' "type". And, it was good that we weren't.

Also, I gave every guy I went out with a two date minimum (assuming he asked). The way I saw it, you couldn't really judge someone on a first date since there's so much awkwardness. But, on a second date you seem to be more yourself. And, my guy got lots more points on our second date than on the first.

But, most importantly, be yourself! The odds that each guy you meet will be "the one" or marriage material is so slim. Look at it as making a new friend and the right guy will think the world of you and the rest will happen like it's supposed to happen.

Newlyweds in the MinneApple said...

I can empathize with you on this. Everyone I know tried to set me up too. A few people told me, "it will be a friend of a friend" and I thought, "I know all my friend's friends so there's no way that's how it will happen"...well, that's how it happened.

I am torn on the online dating. What if a coworker/boss sees you on there? That was always my hesitation with those sites. However, a friend of mine is dating a guy she met on match.com and it seems to be working out very well for her (so far). I say, give it a shot (if you're comfortable), it's true that you won't meet anyone without putting some effort into it.

I think in the technology age we live in, match.com (or other dating sites) are just the new evolution of dating. If you need encouragement, I say go for it! And let us know how it goes. =P

ty said...

Nahh. I'm in the same boat. Weird, weird weird.

Thomasina said...

I'm with you 100% on being dumped by "the one." I know that I need to put myself out there, but I've become so comfortable with single- parent-motherhood that I have no clue how to get myself out there. Why is dating so complicated?

Ashley said...

I'm a believer of it will happen when it happens/you least expect it.
I met my husband by accident -- at a random party. I wasn't interested in meeting a guy or being in a relationship. I barely remembered meeting him at all. A couple days later my friend called me and said he had given J my number...without my permission. Yeah that was annoying but it worked out. =)
I definitely think you should go on some dates but don't force it. Let the pieces fall together =) Don't worry -- your Mr. Right is out there waiting for you to open the door, or come around the next corner =)

The Waspy Redhead said...

Have fun! Get set up, try online dating - live it up. I met the guy previously known as "The One". On match.com and we fell and love and nearly got married - the reason we split up has nothing to do with the fact we met online.

Currently dating a guy I met on OkCupid which is a free dating site with an iphone app. Everyone should try online dating once.

Pretend you are "The Bachelorette" and casually date lots of guys just for fun.

KelNoelle said...

Two weeks after I thought my world had ended when my boyfriend of 4 and a half years broke my heart and ended our relationship, I was out to lunch and was approached by a hotter, older, more successful and sophisticated man. Now, 4 years later, we will be getting married on August 20th. I was in no way looking for a relationship, and although it still took me a while for my heart to mend, once it finally did, I realized the standard cliché that everything happens for a reason. Sure, put your profile on dating sites, and be open to it happening, but don’t force it. I’m sure you will be pleasantly surprised when the man of your dreams appears from out of nowhere. I know I was.

katie@tulsadetails said...

My advice would be to open to any date that cones your way. I will condense the story on how I met my husband, but it basically starts with a story about going out on a date that I dreaded. It ended up being a fun date and I dated the guy for about 9 months. While dating that guy, he decided he wanted some extra income and rented a few rooms out to some guys that just graduated college. Well, guess who one of those guys happened to be - my husband! Had I never gone on that dreaded date, my story might be different.

Marc Johnson said...

I envy you.

As much as my family bothers me about getting married or having a kid, no one offers to set me up.

I think it's just different when it comes to guys. My guy friends also don't bother to hook me up even though some of them are married or in long term relationships.

I know I'm not a married lady, I just wanted to let you know that you don't have it that bad. At least YOU have options and help. I got nothing.

etta said...

I couldn't set my single friends up with other guys I knew. What if they broke up? I'd have to choose one or the other to remain friends with!

Annabel Manners said...

I think the best approach is to be open but relaxed. My parents have been married 39 years, and they met on a blind date. You never know! :)

Kate said...

I'm in your camp too. I mean, if someone you know happens to set you up with someone who you have lots in common with, GO FOR IT, but otherwise I wouldn't sweat it. I would just stay open to possibilities. On the other hand, I've heard a fewsuccess stories for online dating, so who knows!

Leslie said...

It will happen when it happens. But it won't happen if you never go out, never agree to go on a date with anyone, never put yourself "out there". I had two kids with a jerk, left him. Stayed single for a few years. Dated a "safe" guy that was never going to go anywhere, ever. Then decided enough was enough and I deserved to be happy and in love again. So I joined an online dating service. When I saw a profile I liked I sent him a smile and we started chatting. 6 years later and here we are. Married and just had a baby. I finally realized that if all I did was work and go home to my kids that I was never going to meet Mr. Right so I put myself out there.

I say let yourself get set up on a few dates if it sounds like you may have common interests with someone (Not your BFF's little brother). If the first date is horrible then don't go on a second.

By the way, E-Harmony's commercials sound so good that I often joke to my husband we should sign up and see if we get matched together. :)

Legallyblondemel said...

Current day & age you is adorable.

Also - here's another vote for giving the set-up / online / blind date thing a shot. I admit I'm biased here - I met my husband in a bar, of all places, once I adopted the "post breakup, get out there" mindset, and my (super date-able, brilliant, beautiful, etc) BFF met hers on a blind date.

Jen said...

Love your post because I can totally relate. I have been considering the online dating thing but I'm a little afraid to take the plunge. The comments above sort of psyched me up to start some things in motion but not to force anything at the same time.

Katie said...

Don't worry girl, I'm with ya! Although, knowing you in real life and what an absolute catch you are I just know some lucky guy will be in your near future! (No matter how it happens!) I can't wait to see! :-)

Allison said...

Ha, you know dating is just a sore subject with me. LOL.
I don't think there is a prescribed method for getting a ring. I depise the comments like "whenever you stop looking, you'll meet him." "he'll come when you least expect it." They're just these crazy myths and generalizations about people and relationships. It reminds me that you're not going to win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. I surely don't expect someone to want to marry me or date me if I don't put myself out there. Oh, Sarah, it sucks. God bless us.

Becky said...

Wedding girl again, responding to Brittany.

I was actually casually dating someone else at the time... and believe me, our meeting and chatting was TOTALLY thanks to open bar. :)

Sarah said...

The bf and I just broke up on Tuesday and I read this yesterday. My friends THAT night were trying to set me up on Match.com, eharmony.com, etc....I just started laughing thinking back to this post! I wasn't even single for a full week and I was getting set up!

Karen said...

I met my soon to be husband on Eharmony so I'm definitely pro internet dating! My only advice would be to meet as many guys as you can! You never know where the needle in the haystack is or who he's friends with!

Megan said...

I met my husband online.... We both lived in DC and those that have lived there for a while know it's one of the best ways to meet people out of your circle-- dating/friends/whatever. Though I found it a little weird (turns out he did too!) I did it anyways... and it worked! Happily married for almost 3 years now! :)

Mrs. Smith said...

Since I married my high school sweetheart, you may want to go ahead and ignore me, but I'll try anyway.

I say it will happen when it's meant to happen. Do what you are comfortable with. If you want to try online dating, girl - there is NOTHING wrong with it. If you are willing to try a blind date with your friend's husband's cousin - he could be just what you're looking for. The second or fifth or the seventeeth date don't have to be the magic one. It could be 1 or 3 or 23. It's different for everyone. Just keep doing what makes you happy, whether that's online dating or blind dates or staying in some nights for some Lifetime and cupcakes.

When you are happy, Mr. Right will be blessed to find a girl who knows herself and knows what she's worth. Sounds like you're almost (or already) there, so just keep doing what's helped you get there. Love will happen when it's supposed to.

ourgloballove said...

I'm all for internet dating. I met my husband online but it wasn't anything serious when we first met. We talked on and off for two years before we even met in person and then got married three months later.

You just have to be open to the experience and what might come of it. But most importantly you have to do whatever is going to make YOU happy because ultimately that is the most important thing.

Plus you could always try Plenty of Fish. It's completely free so what's the harm?

The Ratpack said...

I agree with you, it will happen when it happens :) YOU don't need to settle for anyone.

But man, oh man, I would LOVE to read your chronicles of online dating. It's sure to be hilarious!

oh, and catholic cupid? That had me laughing out loud. who knew!

Mel said...

Long time reader... never a commenter.

I met my man online on one of the non-dating/dating websites CL.

It was all sort of a fluke really b/c I had just gotten out of a LTR that I was mentally out of for 6 months prior.

I think most importantly over anything you do have to be in the right mindset no matter which way you meet a guy. Once you are ready you will know that you don't stink of "desperate".

I am all for online dating. We have been together 4 years (getting engaged in the next few weeks). You will have to go out with a couple of idiots and don't let that discourage you there are decent guys out there.


Just be open to the possibilities.

Catie said...

Okay, I've been with my husband since I was nineteen, so take this with a grain of salt--I'm largely drawing on friends' experiences.

I think you should do what makes you comfortable. I believe that people are happiest in a relationship when they have first felt happy and fulfilled on their own. If you WANT someone in your life--feel like you're ready, etc., give internet dating a shot, or maybe let a trusted friend set you up with a non-relative. (A NON-relative; no one wants to deal with the fall out when you discover that her cousin is a real creep, while she has been secretly planning your wedding.)I know tons of girls who are happily married because of internet dating.

If you feel as laid back about it as you sound in this post, then I say, don't worry about it now. Hang out with friends, be open to possibilities, give out your number to interesting guys who ask for it, but don't sweat it. Since getting married, lots of my single guy friends come to me for advice on dating and they all say the same thing: women who only seem focused on getting married are a huge turn off. It's too much pressure.

I say, just do you, girl, and don't let your well-intentioned but misguided friends stress you out!

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