Tuesday, June 23, 2009

6/22/09

I don't know how to start this post. On one hand, there are about a million things I want to say. On the other hand, I can't even think of where to begin.

Yesterday, The Boy and I made the decision to end our relationship. You know it's funny that I say "we" made the decision when it's pretty clear to me that it's not me who did the deciding, but whatever.

For several months now, I have been pushing him, questioning him. You see, in August he is moving to Connecticut to begin a program with a large company. This program will take him to 4 different locations in the next 2 years so he can learn the ropes there.

While I have been very excited for him and this opportunity, I, naturally, wanted to know where this left us. I didn't expect him to miss out on this opportunity, nor did I expect him to pledge his undying love for me right then and there.

I just wanted to know where we stood. I wanted to know if a ring was in my future - even if it wasn't an immediate future. A few weeks ago, we had a discussion and he told me that we would be engaged in under a year. While this satisfied me for about 1.5 minutes, it didn't make me feel peace. Instead, I was just uneasy.

I pushed the issue - why not by Christmas? The fall?? That would still give him time to save up and make plans. He insisted that his plans needed to center around springtime, so I dropped it. Sort of.

This past weekend, we went to one of my good friend's weddings. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt such a deep sense of joy watching their union.

Despite that joy, I was so bitterly jealous. I felt like such a bad person because I want nothing more in the world than to feel so in love and ready to start a life together. If I have any complaint against my life right now, I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, and I hate that feeling.

We got home Sunday and went out separate ways, each to our own parents homes. He called me and was pretty insistent that we hang out and watch a movie. We watched Ocean's 13 with my dad and had a nice, relaxed night.

After my dad went to bed, I started up again.

"I just need to know we're heading towards marriage," I said.

It all went downhill from there.

The Boy basically told me that while he loves me and I am his best friend, he just can't see a future where we are together and married. He says that there are too many little issues wrong in our relationship and that, by now, he should know that he wants to marry me, not be questioning our relationship.

I, needless to say, am broken. I have spent six years - 26% of my life - with this man. We have grown and changed together.

We have dealt with death - my mom's, his grandpa's, my grandma and grandpa's. We have been to weddings. We have learned together, grown together.

Right now, I am mostly in shock. He is my best friend. He is the person I want to dial when I pick up the phone. He is my family. My other half. Since my mom's death, he is the only one I turn to. He is my person.

As he looked at me and told me he didn't see us together - I didn't know what to think. All I could see was little tow-haired children with his weird, kinky hair. All I could see was lazy Sundays spent reading the paper in bed and weeks spent traveling and exploring the world.

I don't know if this break-up will last - and honestly, part of me is holding out hope that it won't. Part of me is waiting (desperately) for the phone to ring. I would settle for a text from him.

Today, I am broken. I want to puke but there's nothing in my stomach. I want to cry but my eyes are basically swollen closed.

I want to know what he told his little sister - did she cry? Is she mad at me (or at him)? What do his parents think of me now (I have always been a little sensitive as to what his parents think of me)?

Today, I am in a fog. The world has tilted so dramatically on its axis that part of me feels like I am Alice in Wonderland and I have just dropped through the rabbit hole.

Part of me wonders if I'll ever feel whole again.

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31 Classy Comments:

**Liz** said...

Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

Maybe in time he will see the error in his judgement on this one, but maybe you are on different paths. Whatever happens, I hope you get some peace with it soon.

d.a.r. said...

I am so sorry :(

Kate said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better soon.

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry! I know there are no words that I can say to make you feel better or bring peace, but know that I am thinking about you. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and there is something amazing in your future. Hang in there! If you need to run away there is always a warm beach towel waiting here at the Delaware beach for you!!

The Reality of Happily Ever After said...

Oh, honey! I'm so sorry! I get feeling like you just want to vomit... I've so been there --

I wish I could find you and hug you!

I also hope for the best and I'll be waiting to hear...

Anonymous said...

i wish I could show you your happy life a few years from now.

My story was similar to yours except that my guy blinked and we were married. Despite having a great marriage, better than I ever thought, and 2 fabulous kids, I have never forgotten that I had to prompt him for a ring. After 25 years, it still hurts when I think about it. To me, it's a big blip on our history. Is this what you want? I am SO sorry for the monumental pain you are going through right now. I ache for you. But please believe this guy when he says he's not right for you. He is telling you who he is. Move him out of the way so The One can find you.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Go back to school, join a class, stay close to your frineds. You are fabulous, and you want to stay that way. Read some books on what you're going through - another's perspective may shine the light on your healing. You will get through this, I promise you.

Anonymous said...

Ooops, I see you are ALREADY in school - good for you. I also see this Boy has a history of dumping people from his life. Hmmmm. Not good. Princess Sarah, keep your head up and your beautiful smile on your face. Your Prince will be looking for it....

KAC said...

Ugh I'm so sorry this happened :( Stay strong and sending good thoughts your way xoxo

Elle Bee... said...

Oh miss, I'm so sorry you're going through this. *big hug*

Ashley said...

Sending you a huge hug, friend.

(For what is worth, I broke up with the guy I had been dating for 4 years. After 8 months we got back together.)

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I am so, so sorry.

I want to reach through the screen and hand you Ben & Jerry's, a trashy novel, and a big bottle of wine.

I won't say it is going to work out with him in the end, because it may not...and I know right now it seems like life is a complete mess.

A little known fact? I went through something very similar before I met Mr. Newlywed except I ended it with the guy. I've been in The Boy's shoes, and it is a hard place to be.

I hope it works out for you...I really really do. Use this time to hang out with your girlfriends, discover you for you, read, and celebrate yourself. Don't be afraid to give a guy your number or go out for a drink.

It can be really hard to let go of something we have had in our lives for so long. However, sometimes letting go is the best thing for us in the long run.

Blackeyed_Susan said...

Sweet Sarah I am so sorry:( Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it has to be so hard, but keep your head up and he will see what he is missing out on. This too shall pass.

Melissa said...

Oh girl, I'm so sorry! Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

I can't blame him honestly. It sounds like you were pushy and always starting fights about it. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who was constantly nagging me either. If the relationship was right, you woudn't have been pushing for a wedding, you would have been happy with a good relationship. The marriage will either happen or it won't… if you brow beat the poor guy into it, then it won't end well. It's better that he had the sense to get out when he did. Think about it. Would you want to be forced into a marriage you weren't on board with? No.

Legallyblondemel said...

Ugh. I am so very sorry.

I'm sure this is of little to no comfort now, but it does start to feel better. I've been on both sides of this type of breakup, and in the end, we all want to end up with someone who is as crazy about us, can't picture 5 minutes without us type of in love with us, as we feel about them. It's worth fighting through the initial pain to find this person, promise.

KLC said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this!!! Take the time you need to break down, cry, fall apart, then pick yourself back up and keep your head high. You may get back with him, you may not... but try and seek comfort in the fact that eventually you will be married, with little babies running around, and the person you marry willb e who God has chosen for you. I wish you the best and am thinking of you!! XOXOXO

Ashley said...

Oh no.. I'm so sorry to hear that, but I don't blame you one bit for asking. You deserve to know and it's your life too. He needed to tell you either way which direction you were heading as a couple, so bravo for asking. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. My advice- read it's called a break up cause it's broken. It helped me back in my dating days.

Andhari said...

I'm really sorry, Sarah, that's hard and I can never tell you I know how this feels because I can't picture how painful this is for you right now. I'm really sorry, time will healm take your personal time. Have fun with your best friends and families, they will help and make you feel less alone. Ylou're the one who gotta love yourself the most in the end.

ps. ignore the stanky anonymous, I'm sure you're not persistent or anything. You guys were together for 6 years after all, if he isn't convinced yet then the fault is totally at his end. *hug*

Mel said...

I know it sucks right now but it will get better no matter which way the path leads you.

I've been there. *hug*

Classy in Philadelphia said...

Girl, this just broke my heart. I know exactly how you are feeling...this is so similar to what happened with me and my ex. Honestly, I think you will get back together. You have been through so much together. It's weird that he told you he saw you together and then didn't....I think he just feeling a little scared about the future right now. He probably doesn't mean it. Guy are just stupid like that. If you want to talk let me know! <3 hugs, be strong girl!

New England Girl said...

I hope you feel better in time and eventually find some sort of peace. It sounds like an absolutely horrible situation and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Sending hugs your way.

devin's mom said...

I am so sorry for you, but know that if its meant to be it will turn around. Hang in there!

Becky said...

Oh no...I'm so sorry! :(
I can't imagine what you are feeling right now...maybe he will come around, maybe this isn't the end, or maybe God had something else in store for you. I'm so so sorry...hopefully you can at least talk again about things b/c obviously you love each other. Keep us updated on your situation...praying of you!
Much love, Becky

Brunch at Saks said...

Just found your blog- it is lovely. I am so sorry to hear about your break up, but you sound like such a strong and amazing person...I know you will end up coming out of this brighter and more perfect than ever :) XO

Carissa(GoodNCrazy) said...

Wow m'dear.. not only do I have no good advice for you.. I just wish I could give you a real life hug. :)

I totally think all good things come to those who wait.. (whatever huh?)

But sure this is meant to be.. either it will come back around... or you'll be freed to see the world in some other way.. and in fact you might be more open someone else (better?) in your life..

Geez is that any help at all??

HUGS HUGS HUGS...

a H.I.T. said...

Oh hunny, I am so sorry. I know it feels like the world is swallowing you whole right now. Be thankful for all the love and support that you have, because they are the ones who will help get you through this tough time. How do I know? Because a few months before I met Husby, I went through almost the same exact thing as you. My high school/college sweetheart broke up with me. We dated for 6 1/2 years (there was one year where we took a break). I thought I would never find love again. Then I did. And it was better than I ever imagined. Keep your chin up and heart filled and you will make it through this whole. Big hugs.

RCaitlin said...

You poor thing! 6 years? What was he thinking if he didn't want to marry you?

Miss Sweet Tea said...

I'm sorry Sarah! I'll be thinking about you and praying! I know how hard something like this is :(

A Girl Can Dream said...

I'm sorry to hear that Sarah. I think you had every right to ask about your future, especially since you've been dating for 6 years, and since he's moving away! It's not right for him to leave you hanging with no intention on marrying you. I hope you stay strong and lean on your girlfriends and loved ones around you.

Casey (@ Ever-Changing Life) said...

Ah, I remember this. I was about a week away from getting engaged and it just ended. A very long term thing. I remember feeling like it was the end. I was going to be 40 and hitting up bars alone. The good news? That didn't happen! God used that relationship to help me appreciate the one he had in store (that was perfect)! And when I bugged the "new" guy about an engagement? He just gave up (the secret, not trying to hold off, ha!) and told me the date so I could get my nails done. Ha! I know this sounds cheesy, but God has a plan. Whether it is this guy again or someone better, it's the perfect plan for YOU! :)

Oh, and don't you love how people post rude comments without posting their name. Cowards.

lsaz said...

I'm a new blogger and came across your blog. I was reading the recap of 2011 and clicked on this post. I have to say it had me in tears. :( I am in a 4 year relationship with my bf and am to the point of wondering "why am I waiting" and "what is taking so long". I know its been awhile since this post, I hope you're happy now!

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