6/22/09

I don't know how to start this post. On one hand, there are about a million things I want to say. On the other hand, I can't even think of where to begin.

Yesterday, The Boy and I made the decision to end our relationship. You know it's funny that I say "we" made the decision when it's pretty clear to me that it's not me who did the deciding, but whatever.

For several months now, I have been pushing him, questioning him. You see, in August he is moving to Connecticut to begin a program with a large company. This program will take him to 4 different locations in the next 2 years so he can learn the ropes there.

While I have been very excited for him and this opportunity, I, naturally, wanted to know where this left us. I didn't expect him to miss out on this opportunity, nor did I expect him to pledge his undying love for me right then and there.

I just wanted to know where we stood. I wanted to know if a ring was in my future - even if it wasn't an immediate future. A few weeks ago, we had a discussion and he told me that we would be engaged in under a year. While this satisfied me for about 1.5 minutes, it didn't make me feel peace. Instead, I was just uneasy.

I pushed the issue - why not by Christmas? The fall?? That would still give him time to save up and make plans. He insisted that his plans needed to center around springtime, so I dropped it. Sort of.

This past weekend, we went to one of my good friend's weddings. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt such a deep sense of joy watching their union.

Despite that joy, I was so bitterly jealous. I felt like such a bad person because I want nothing more in the world than to feel so in love and ready to start a life together. If I have any complaint against my life right now, I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, and I hate that feeling.

We got home Sunday and went out separate ways, each to our own parents homes. He called me and was pretty insistent that we hang out and watch a movie. We watched Ocean's 13 with my dad and had a nice, relaxed night.

After my dad went to bed, I started up again.

"I just need to know we're heading towards marriage," I said.

It all went downhill from there.

The Boy basically told me that while he loves me and I am his best friend, he just can't see a future where we are together and married. He says that there are too many little issues wrong in our relationship and that, by now, he should know that he wants to marry me, not be questioning our relationship.

I, needless to say, am broken. I have spent six years - 26% of my life - with this man. We have grown and changed together.

We have dealt with death - my mom's, his grandpa's, my grandma and grandpa's. We have been to weddings. We have learned together, grown together.

Right now, I am mostly in shock. He is my best friend. He is the person I want to dial when I pick up the phone. He is my family. My other half. Since my mom's death, he is the only one I turn to. He is my person.

As he looked at me and told me he didn't see us together - I didn't know what to think. All I could see was little tow-haired children with his weird, kinky hair. All I could see was lazy Sundays spent reading the paper in bed and weeks spent traveling and exploring the world.

I don't know if this break-up will last - and honestly, part of me is holding out hope that it won't. Part of me is waiting (desperately) for the phone to ring. I would settle for a text from him.

Today, I am broken. I want to puke but there's nothing in my stomach. I want to cry but my eyes are basically swollen closed.

I want to know what he told his little sister - did she cry? Is she mad at me (or at him)? What do his parents think of me now (I have always been a little sensitive as to what his parents think of me)?

Today, I am in a fog. The world has tilted so dramatically on its axis that part of me feels like I am Alice in Wonderland and I have just dropped through the rabbit hole.

Part of me wonders if I'll ever feel whole again.