Monday, January 11, 2010

Why Must I Torture Myself??

Kids, just so ya know - this was an "I need a full cup of tea before we even begin post."

So, it's the Eve of Christmas Eve. I'm about to sit down and watch It's a Wonderful Life... and you all know how I feel about that.

I'm all happy and warm and fuzzy and as I am sitting down in a chair, I open up my laptop to my school e-mail. And there's a Facebook message notification.

(Ten points to anybody who can guess exactly where I'm going with this.)

It's a message from The Boy. Everyone is talking around me and eating and getting comfortable but all I can hear is the blood ringing in my ears.

So of course I open it right away. You don't think I have superhuman self control, do you?

It basically says (very paraphrased to protect the "innocent"):

It's the holidays so I felt like it is right of me to let you know that I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you or your friends and family. I know that doesn't make it better, but still.

I have been wondering what you're doing and where you are. I have wanted to reach out but thought it best to not do so. Being out East has given me the opportunity to think about my situation and learn even more about myself. My job is good - it keeps me busy and allows me the opportunity to travel. I found out recently I will be relocating in February, which will be another big change in my life.

I hope your life is going well and that you are figuring things out. It is weird not speaking to you every day and I would love to know that you are doing alright.

Merry Christmas,
The Boy
So I read the note... and then I totally went "there." You know - the self-deluding place where I instantly assume that he misses me and wants to get back together and wants me to have his babies.

For a few hours, I was totally there. Stomach churning, nerves completely shot, head-over-heels confused.

And then I re-read it. And realized that A) he first talked about himself, and at length and B) he just wanted to know how I was doing.

He was probably home for the holidays and bored. And lonely. And who will "always" be there for him? Me.

So I took 2 days to reply.. but I couldn't not reply.

And now that I'm reading over my response... I'm too embarrassed to post it. I sound very.... hurt and desperate.

So I said:
If you are sending this because you want forgiveness, you've got it. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt.

My life is fine but I'm not overflowing with success stories. If you thought that you could dump me and suddenly I would turn my life around and turn my sob story into a success story - you're wrong.

I miss my best friend and it's not been easy by a long shot. I'm glad you're doing so well and that things are turning out for you. I never doubted that you would lack for success.

I'm sorry if this seems awkward, but this is hard as hell for me to write.
In reality, I think my response was much sassier. I was downright cold in some of it. But I couldn't help it - I really am hurt and he did lead me on for so many years... clearly I'm bitter.

And he never replied.

I guess he got the information he wanted and was done with that. Checked it off his list so he could feel like a better person this holiday season.

I was bursting to tell someone about this little interaction but I didn't want to put it on here as the beginning or ending of my year... it's a part of my life, but not my whole life (at least not anymore).

So now I feel as light as a feather... this blog is clearly my confessional.

Let's just hope my new reader from this weekend (hi Douglassville, Pennsylvania!) is neither The Boy or his new girlfriend. (And if you are Douglassville, PA and read my blog for several hours this past Saturday.... say hi!)

Great, now I've officially spooked him/her. They'll never be back now.

Happy Monday everyone! I would very much appreciate any good vibes this week on the job front... *omg cross my fingers*

29 Classy Comments:

PinkSass said...

I love your response back to him because Sarah it's the truth. I give you so many props for just telling him like it is. Because you are right, it's not easy and it hurts.

Whitney said...

I loved your response too and I agree with everything PinkSass said. You are strong and it will get easier girl, promise!! Hugs and love from Maine.

etta said...

Don't feel bad or be embarrassed about your response. Why shouldn't he know about the stress his decision caused you? I had an ex send me a message shortly after I became engaged and went on about how he can't believe my boyfriend waited so long to pop the question and that I'd make a beautiful bride, blah blah blah. He was horrible to me when we broke up and I may have mentioned it. :)

Gwen said...

I think it's wonderful that you told him exactly how you felt. I wish I could be the bigger person and do that. If it were me I would have deleted and ignored him. Just letting him think I didn't have the time to respond to him. LOL!!! I can be a total bitch when I want to be. :) XOXO

Confessions Of A Domestic Goddess said...

Good for you for being honest. I know how hard this is for you...I've been there before. I'm sending lots of positive vibes on all fronts for you this week and always!

J-ezzy said...

Sending positive vibes over to you!!!

I think you responded perfectly, it's not showing weakness in the least. He should know exactly what he did to you. Throughout the years, I've learned honesty IS the best way, esp in these sorts of situations. *hugs*

MAJ said...

Haha while I am not your Douglasville, PA reader, I'm sure that when I first found your blog I spent a creepy amount of time reading through your archives. Sarah, you're great for responding to The Boy. I'm lame and probably would have not responded -- okay, truth I've just not responded to messages like that more than a few times. Your way was the right way to go. xx

Aly said...

I'm happy you were able to get your feelings out! It's great that you said what you have ben thinking this whole time. Good luck this week!

Jackie said...

I am so happy you waited for two days! Good for you! And I know I would have replied to my one ex boyfriend if we had facebook back when we were dating (and probably did reply to an AIM message at some point...that was all the rage when we had just broken up) so don't get down on yourself. Glad you are feeling better!

KLC said...

I think your response was great- how could he even begin to reply back to that!! One day when your REAL prince comes along you won't even remember this hurt and pain... here's to the next chapter of your life!

Ashley said...

I'm hating him right now right along with you. Keep your head up and hooray about 2 days!

Heather said...

I'm proud of your girl! You stood up for yourself...just like you should :).

Nessa said...

Lol, i love this post..! Im a follower but a suck commenter, m'excusie!

Your straight up honesty was perfect. Who cares about sounding hurt or angry, you are and there is no need to shield is lame butt from it. Good job lady!!! =)

Cole said...

That was a sassy response... but in the BEST possible way.

Sending you lots of good vibes on the job front!!

LawGirl said...

I knew he'd contact you. So good that you didn't do it first. It's nice to know that he does care enough to say hey and see how you are. Your response, perfect. It's good you were honest. I think you kicked some serious "first awkward conversation" ass!

Cuddleslut said...

Oh my. That is the worst. And everyone was going on with their business around you and it felt like the whole world paused right?

Sarah said...

I might be your Douglassville, PA reader, although I don't live in Douglassville - just PA! I did spend an embarassingly long amount of time reading through your archives this past weekend. I don't have a blog myself, but read many and am always tempted to start one. For the record, I think your response to him was completely justified!

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

I think you did a fabulous job replying back. Good for you! You were honest with him. He deserved that sassiness (sp?) you gave him!
Go Sarah!

Brittany said...

I think your response was perfect. Not to much, just the right amount of sass. If I was in your situation, I probably would have said the same thing. Have a good week!

Kerri said...

There is absolutely nothing to embarrassed about! I think you gave a perfect response and you were truthful, not to mention sassy! So give yourself some props girl!

The Waspy Redhead said...

I just want to jump through the computer and hug you. You're handling this situation with the boy so well, and you'll be better for it.

You remind me so much of me when I was your age (not that I'm super old and wrinkled, but it's been about 5 years since I graduated from college and I know how much I've changed in those years). I'm so confident that 2010 will be a phenomenal year for your.

Keep your chin up!

Just Anonymous Prep said...

I think your response was great - I probably would have delayed my response for a week and driven myself crazy in the process.

Megan said...

I think your response was just fine. I don't think you sounded rude or too sassy. You were just communicating how you felt right now and there is nothing wrong with that. You seem to be in a good place right now. I know you aren't all the way healed from this, and it will take time, but I can tell that you are growing through it.

Andhari said...

Your respond is sharp and polite, and I think really wise. It's best to assume like this and being logical. I'm so proud of you Sarah : )

SouthernBelleJM said...

I think your response was genuine and sincere. And now, it can be a closed chapter in your life. *hugs*

a H.I.T. said...

I once dated The Boy too and let me tell you something. They suck. Somehow they delude us into thinking they rock, but they don't. It isn't until you finally meet someone who DOES rock, that the spell is lifted. And trust me, it will happen. Bravo on your honest response.

Classy in Philadelphia said...

UGH.....boys. Seriously.

I think what you wrote is fine. It was honest. And you're a sassy lady and it's perfect.

Wishing you good vibes!

Tricia Loves Makeup and Fashion said...

Why do boys always do this to us? Every girl who has had her heart broken has been in this predicament. So don't think you are alone. I have been there myself before I met my husband with an on/off previous relationship. I think you did the best thing by only answering his questions and moving along. I know it hurts, but, as I'm sure you've been told before, it will be for the best in the long run.
Sending good vibes for you this year....

FashionAddict said...

I think you are a strong, considerate, and amazing person. To say he doesn't deserve you is an understatement. How do you hurt your best friend like that? How do you not want to spend the rest of your life with your best friend? It seems like he wasn't much of a friend at all, actually. And you are completely right, he wrote you for self serving reasons--either out of boredom, loneliness, or to make himself feel better. To to that to someone on Christmas Eve is beyond shitty. I don't know this guy, but he sounds really self absorbed. You deserve to find someone who will do anything for you, who will lift you up rather than make you feel bad about yourself, who will give anything to make you smile. I can't say that my husband and I have the perfect relationship every single day, but I know he would give anything for me. You just keep on keepin on, sweetie, because you are just as the title of your blog says--classy and fabulous!

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