Why Must I Torture Myself??

Kids, just so ya know - this was an "I need a full cup of tea before we even begin post."

So, it's the Eve of Christmas Eve. I'm about to sit down and watch It's a Wonderful Life... and you all know how I feel about that.

I'm all happy and warm and fuzzy and as I am sitting down in a chair, I open up my laptop to my school e-mail. And there's a Facebook message notification.

(Ten points to anybody who can guess exactly where I'm going with this.)

It's a message from The Boy. Everyone is talking around me and eating and getting comfortable but all I can hear is the blood ringing in my ears.

So of course I open it right away. You don't think I have superhuman self control, do you?

It basically says (very paraphrased to protect the "innocent"):

It's the holidays so I felt like it is right of me to let you know that I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you or your friends and family. I know that doesn't make it better, but still.

I have been wondering what you're doing and where you are. I have wanted to reach out but thought it best to not do so. Being out East has given me the opportunity to think about my situation and learn even more about myself. My job is good - it keeps me busy and allows me the opportunity to travel. I found out recently I will be relocating in February, which will be another big change in my life.

I hope your life is going well and that you are figuring things out. It is weird not speaking to you every day and I would love to know that you are doing alright.

Merry Christmas,
The Boy

So I read the note... and then I totally went "there." You know - the self-deluding place where I instantly assume that he misses me and wants to get back together and wants me to have his babies.

For a few hours, I was totally there. Stomach churning, nerves completely shot, head-over-heels confused.

And then I re-read it. And realized that A) he first talked about himself, and at length and B) he just wanted to know how I was doing.

He was probably home for the holidays and bored. And lonely. And who will "always" be there for him? Me.

So I took 2 days to reply.. but I couldn't not reply.

And now that I'm reading over my response... I'm too embarrassed to post it. I sound very.... hurt and desperate.

So I said:

If you are sending this because you want forgiveness, you've got it. The last thing I want is for you to be hurt.

My life is fine but I'm not overflowing with success stories. If you thought that you could dump me and suddenly I would turn my life around and turn my sob story into a success story - you're wrong.

I miss my best friend and it's not been easy by a long shot. I'm glad you're doing so well and that things are turning out for you. I never doubted that you would lack for success.

I'm sorry if this seems awkward, but this is hard as hell for me to write.
Sarah

In reality, I think my response was much sassier. I was downright cold in some of it. But I couldn't help it - I really am hurt and he did lead me on for so many years... clearly I'm bitter.

And he never replied.

I guess he got the information he wanted and was done with that. Checked it off his list so he could feel like a better person this holiday season.

I was bursting to tell someone about this little interaction but I didn't want to put it on here as the beginning or ending of my year... it's a part of my life, but not my whole life (at least not anymore).

So now I feel as light as a feather... this blog is clearly my confessional.

Let's just hope my new reader from this weekend (hi Douglassville, Pennsylvania!) is neither The Boy or his new girlfriend. (And if you are Douglassville, PA and read my blog for several hours this past Saturday.... say hi!)

Great, now I've officially spooked him/her. They'll never be back now.

Happy Monday everyone! I would very much appreciate any good vibes this week on the job front... *omg cross my fingers*