Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Aftermath: 1 Year Later

A year ago today, my life became sectioned into two parts. Before and After.

Before... I was half of a whole. I was on a team. Somebody had my back.

After... I was am confused. I feel very much alone. If I needed someone in the middle of the night, I don't think I would feel comfortable calling anyone.

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This past year, the year following the big break up from my main squeeze of six-ish years, has been one of the longest of my life.

Everything I thought I knew, before, isn't.

I literally feel like my world has turned, for better or worse, upside down.

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The day before the breakup, we attended the wedding of one of my very best friends.

It was a perfect wedding. Beautiful ceremony, awesome reception. Just a perfect day.

I caught the bouquet. My 2nd in a six month period.

(Obviously posing for a different photo when this one was taken. But you can see my awesome hair. I was channeling Audrey Hepburn.)

That day, as I caught the bouquet, I was sure it held so much promise.

Of a future together. Of a long life and much happiness.

Or of an excellent friend of a bride who was sending a hint to her friend's boyfriend to get this show on the road already.

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A year ago, I lived my life day to day, hoping against hope that he would finally get me. Or that he would wake up one morning "ready."

Ready never came.

Today, I'm not wishing on flowers, dead or real.

It's true I'm not living my perfect life - not by a long shot.

But I'm still here, and I'm still smiling.

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I don't know what life has in store for me.

I worry if my health will hold up well enough to have kids.

I worry that I will never be able to let my guard down enough to love again.

So much uncertainty. So little time.

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But I survived.

Without my mom to tell me I was the prettiest and smartest and most awesome-est girl in the world and that any boy would be lucky to have my.

Without any of my college friends nearby.

Without wanting to tell anyone what had happened and wishing that the world would just swallow me up whole.

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If you are reading this (discombobulated, rambling tale) and you are me, one year ago... you'll survive.

And in the aftermath, you will find a woman inside of you that you never knew existed.

One with a hell of a lot more strength than you ever thought you had.

Life's not perfect, and I still haven't found my happy ending.

I have no reason to believe that things are going to work out perfectly. In fact, I have evidence to the contrary.

But at the end of the day, I believe.

Tomorrow is another day....
and you never know what may be just around the corner.

52 Classy Comments:

Lucky in Love said...

Can I just tell you that you are amazing? I know it's hard to believe that you'll find your one and only...but I just know there is happiness is your future. You are such a fabulous woman and I just cannot wait for the day you write that post...."I met someone." :) I get giddy just thinking about it!!

XOXO

Annie said...

Thinking of you today! You are a strong lady and the best is yet to come for you!!!

Diving Into Love said...

You are so strong! God has a wonderful plan for you! :)

Sweet Simplicity said...

You have been through a lot, but you still manage to stay positive. You are a great example to anyone else going through the same thing.

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong said...

I can totally understand your position; College Sweetheart and I broke up after 3.5 years (nowhere near your 6!) and it just turned my world upside down. It's been eleven months and I still think of him often.

Best of luck to you... and I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

Sarah said...

I love this post! Just remember God has a plan for you :)

Aly said...

You are such a great writer! You are beautiful, smart, funny, a hard worker, compassionate,and any man would be so lucky to have you. I know that no one can replace your mother saying that, but just know that it is true! You are one tough chick, and I admire that!

PinkLouLou said...

Sarah,

Reading this post my heart just really went out to you. You have no idea how much I can relate to the things you are saying. I have been exactly where you are, and it is so comforting to know that we are NOT alone. I recently called off my engagement (relationship of four plus years) and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The perfect ring, the perfect proposal, but not everything was perfect. During the aftermath, and during the process of piecing of my life back together, I saw some of the darkest days. But I have come out on the other side, and I try to smile even when I don't want to. There is so much to be said for the strength a woman gains when going through heartbreak. I know you are stronger for what you went through, as am I. You are absolutely correct that you never know what is right around the corner. At the end of the day you have to trust that God is in control, opening the doors that will fulfill you, and closing the ones that will hurt you. It is ALL in His timing. This post came on a good day, I was feeling very down about my crazy life! So thank you!

PinkSass said...

Tears in my eyes. Love ya girl.

the girl in the red shoes said...

Such a good post Sarah. You are so much stronger than you will ever know. Thinking of you today!

lawschoolwife said...

I don't know exactly how old you are, but I don't feel like you could be more than a year or two older than me. So let me tell you, I feel a little freakish for being married already. My SIL just got engaged last week on her 22nd bday, and I had a long talk with my 14 yo BIL that unlike his brother and sister, most people do not graduate college engaged.

ALL of that rambling is to say YOU HAVE TIME. You have so much time. A coworker sitting across from me has a story similar to yours, heartbroken right after college Spent a couple of years single. Was lonely when she moved to Austin for a job and had no friends here. Met the guy of her dreams. She's 33 now and has two adorable kids. Just saying you have a lot more time than you think. You're not an old maid. So stop acting like :)

And I'm so glad you recognize how far you have come, the strength you never knew you had. I'm a firm believer that even if we can't see why when you're in the middle of it, every single thing happens for a reason. And one day, you're going to be talking to a girlfriend and say "You know, I never thought I would say this, but I am SO glad we broke up, because if we hadn't, X and Y would never have happened."

SouthernBelleJM said...

I'm so proud of you, Sarah!!!!! You have come a long way and evolved so much in the past year I've been reading your blog:)

-Everything happens for a reason.

Julia said...

Hi Sarah. Just read this post. I am 29 years old and when I was in my earlier twenties, trudging wedding to wedding with a boy who shall remain nameless who was also, not ready to commit and now, I see what a blessing that is as on New Year's Eve I married an AMAZING man. But, marriage doesn't end the worry--I am not able to have children (I noticed it was one of your worries) but even that brings on another awesome adventure: adoption. Hang in there. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and EVERYTHING works out the way it is meant to. I wish you all the best.

Virginia Belle said...

You are incredibly inspiring! I'm sure there are many great things waiting for you in the future. The best is yet to come!

Kathy said...

I am so sorry.
But...you are one strong woman and a fabulous writer!

: )

Anonymous said...

I have read your blog a couple times, but haven't ever commented. Today I went back and read your post from last June, and I swear you were writing down all the thoughts I'm having right now. I'm in almost the exact same situation with my long-time boyfriend, who doesn't know whats gonna happen/what he wants to happen after he graduates college in December (I've already graduated). Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your post today gave me SO much hope. It's hard because I feel like my relationship has some sort of expiration date even though I dont want it to, but reading things like this reminds me that I'm not alone in feeling how I feel, and if the worst happens, I will get through it. Thank you!

i. me. mine said...

Sarah...What an honest post! You are such an amazing woman and your life is just getting started. I have no doubt that you will have an amazing year from here on out. The universe blesses those will such strong will and courage as you have!

Sara said...

Sarah, what a beautiful, honest and heartbreaking post. My heart goes out to you. I hate using the cliche that everything will work out for the best, but I'm sure a few years from now you will look on this post and realize how far you've come and how amazing everything turned out. You will be stronger, wiser and happier for all the tough times you've gone through. Keep going girlfriend, you really are the prettiest and smartest and most awesome-est girl in the world and any boy would be lucky to have you. :)

etta said...

Sarah, I still love you and think you're the awesome-est girl ever. Your prince charming will show up one of these days and you'll knock his socks off!

Allison said...

I love this post, Sarah. It's so genuine and heartfelt. I understand how difficult these years have been for you with your losses. You have a good attitude and are realistic about your future. Just keep doing what you're doing. YOU are classy and fabulous!

moreismoremom said...

I admire your bravery and self discovery. You rock! A beautiful and meaningful future is in the palm of your hand. Good luck!

Sarahviz said...

Even thought I don't *know* you, I feel like I do! So proud of you from afar!

Anonymous said...

You are not defined by the person you're with but the person you are. Every morning when you wake up look in the mirror and promise the woman looking back at you that you will do all you can to make her happy. As someone who's survived a divorce and broken engagement/abusive relationship I can tell you that the journey may seem long and difficult but it's so worth it. Today I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man but that's not the relationship that matters most...it's the one that I have with myself. Hang in there girl, I'll be praying for ya!

Oh and I'm in the process of setting up my blog so I don't have to post anonymously and seem like such a creeper. Lol.

Brittney said...

Hey girl... I had no clue that you went through this.... I am so sorry. You are a strong woman and God has great things in store for you. Keep hanging in there and keep that positive attitude. Email me if you ever need to! I tried to find your email address on your blog but couldn't find it?!

Sara said...

I was you, in this position, about five years ago. I was devestated and didn't know what to think. Strangely enough I met my husband shortly after that. Only I didn't remember him since I was in my own funk. When we met a few years ago he reminded me. I now firmly believe we were meant to meet again when the timing was right. I just simply wasn't ready for him yet.

My point? Keep getting out there. You never know when you'll meet the man God has planned for you. And, maybe he's just not ready for you yet.

Carolyn @ life, love and puppy prints said...

This is such a strong post! :) Way to go!

The Waspy Redhead said...

I read this post this morning and didn't have time to comment then. I've been thinking about what I can say to you that will help you, or make you feel better. And there's nothing I can say. Because I know (going through this right now too), that nothing anyone says about "you have time" "things will all work out" "everything happens for a reason" will make you feel better. Sometimes things just hurt. But you know what, despite the hurt you're moving forward. You're not paralyzed by this experience, you're going on with life the best you can. And you should be so proud of yourself for that. Thank you for sharing and for encouraging others. Congrats on surviving this year, and um excited for you to conquer the next!

Holly said...

Thank you.
That's the only way I know how to respond to this - to thank you for sharing with all of us. You are so strong and have been through all of this and you are a true role model.

McMommy said...

Did you happen to read Sophie Kinsella's latest book called Twenties Girl? In it, the girl broke up with a long-time boyfriend and one day meets Mr. American Frown who totally ISN'T an American Frown....he's actually an American Hottie and well...the point of all this rambling is...

I'm SO betting your Mr. American Frown is so around the corner. I just know it.

p.s. Come to florida so we can drink wine and discuss chick lit and hang out at the beach, ok?

Legally Fabulous said...

And I am you, 3 years later.
It still hurts, but it gets easier.


we are fabulous, we don't need them. :)

The Ratpack said...

This is one of my most favorite things you've written! You are an amazing girl! Miss you - we need to talk soon :)

KatherineBee said...

You're so strong and your posts always make me smile. I know you'll find someone perfect for you!

Bella said...

Oh Sarah... I wish I could give you a big 'ol hug right now. You are a youngin' and a catch. Life can change at any minute and the best revenge is living well!

Michelle said...

I absolutely adore you.

xoxo

Kassie said...

I feel like I really needed to read this today. Thank you for the honest post. You have been through so much and are so strong! It's hard hearing the "you will find someone" phrases. People say live your life, don't wait for the relationship, and that makes me want to punch them in the gut. I have been! I've traveled, and have a great job, and have moved, and had fun, and now I'm ready for that "next stage" and don't have a clue where I'd meet someone. I feel jealous of people who get to plan their lives like we'll get married then, have babies then, etc, which is irrational, but true. You can't plan things like that, and like you I'm worried because of health problems that the older I get the less I'll be able to have the children I want. Basically, this is rambling to say THANK YOU for having the courage to write this post. God has plans for you!

Beatriz said...

I have to agree with your other readers. A) You are amazing!! Keep it up with your classy and fabulous self!! and B) God has a plan for you. There is something to learn from this. There is room to take something ridiculously positive and totally fabulous from this situation to make you an even more beautiful, stronger woman. And when the time comes and everything falls into place, it will all make sense and you will ultimately find joy in the hardships that made you, well you!!


Hope you're having a great week Love!

B.

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Thanks!
Jess

d.a.r. said...

I think you are so beautiful and amazing. Your prince charming is just out there waiting for you, but you have been given this time for a reason. I can tell how much you have matured in your writing alone!! Hang in there girly!

Kids, Canines, and Chaos said...

You are SO right.. you never know what may just be right around the corner. You have to be willing to let your guard down and trust that even if the next boy who comes along isn't "the one", he will shape your heart and your mind into the woman you should be. Even though the boy broke your heart, he helped mold you into the beautiful woman you are today. As I sit here and type, I shed tears myself, as I am going through a divorce. Know, though, that you are a strong woman and life isn't about the end, it's about the journey. My favorite quote: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime" The Boy came in for a reason.. now it's up to you to find that reason.

Sabrina said...

Wow, this is great. Your writing, I mean. So... true and honest. I'm totally blown away by this... POETRY! It is sad and it is tragical, but also very great, because you obviously are a strong woman. Amazing. I wish you all the best for your future!

adventure grrl said...

Stop it with all this fabulousness? Am I even let in? I am wearing and Obama t-shirt, crusty running pants and hair in a CHIP CLIP, YEAH, you heard what I said!

Still, Sarah, you are a doll to leave the comment you did on my blog post. Get your Hermes out for tomorrows.

Gwen said...

God definitely had a different path for you and I'm so proud of the way you've handled it. You are stronger than many people I know. And I know that your Happy Ending is some where waiting for you to be ready. Love you girl!!! :) XOXO

Maria said...

very well written. i was part of a breakup with my then-fiance last year. being on the other side shows us our strength, our character, and what really was in us all along. seriously, when you least expect it, and stop looking for it, you'll see the new path in your life. god's plan! :)

DSS said...

I am you one year ago. Thank you for reassuring me that I will make it. That I will laugh again.

I needed to hear that today :)

Full of Heart said...

As the woman who is three and a half years past that, married again, madly in love and happier than ever, I tell you that there is hope. That it WILL happen, that there IS a plan, and your time too will come.

undomestic chica said...

Someone recently told me, "Meeting the one and only makes all the BS bearable." I have faith you will meet someone and will wonder why you ever felt so strongly about the other one :)

Andhari said...

Sarah, sorry for just reading it now. I'm in your position all the time when I'm sad, none of people I consider close are here and some of them have changed and I SO know the pain of having to deal with everything yourself when something as sad as this happened.

You really are a strong woman and if you can deal with this, you're indeed ready for better things!

Tarver said...

This is amazing. You are amazing. I love everything you say and you are so strong and definitely someone in the blogging world that I look up to.

I know how you feel when you feel you have no one to turn to in the middle of the night, and thats what I've discovered that I do have a little bit with blogging, and its such an amazing feeling.

You are so strong and its great to see that despite everything thats happened that you are moving on and you living your life.

Becca said...

Love this Sarah. You rock. I have tears in my eyes from reading this now!

FashionAddict said...

I don't comment often, but I wanted to let you know that I have SOOOO much respect for you. You are such a gorgeous, smart, and classy lady. I really admire you. Have you ever thought of writing a book about this whole experience? You are certainly a wonderful writer.

Jane said...

Don't know why I've waited so long to comment ... but :) hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I am late to commenting on this post, but I am so impressed by you and heart and spirit. Your mother is very proud of you.

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