I really don't want to "go here" with my post this morning, but I can't. I can't not go.
It was almost 7 pm, I was sitting at the desk at work, when the news popped up on my phone.
One of my college friends had just lost her father. Her father, one of the most outgoing, funny, kind, and warmhearted people I can ever remember meeting.
I was, at the moment I got the text, having a conversation with my coworker, loudly and through a doorway. I don't remember stopping talking - but I must have, and I can only remember seeing stars and feeling like I was going to faint.
Immediately, all the old thoughts came rushing back from November 2007, when my mom died. I know that, generally, nothing really felt "real" for about a month after that.
Completely irrationally, I felt like my friends all turned their eyes, from hundreds of miles away, on me. I suddenly feel like the expert member of the Dead Parents Club, which is totally irrational. Nor has anyone asked me anything. It just feels that way.
I know that we can't live forever. And that people in my friends' lives probably pass away every day and I'm not even aware of it.
Damnit, it sucks. I kept tossing and turning all night and trying to hold back the ugly cry, because the ugly cry makes my nose stuffy and I really needed the sleep.
I remember, back when my mom died, many of my college friends showed up to the funeral. A couple of my professors did as well, which was a big deal since I lived about 2 hours away from campus.
I was really shocked.
The funeral will probably be held in a town about 9 hours away by car. And a huge part of me wants to get my butt in the car and drive. Because she's in the club. And it sucks.
I really wish I had opened my eyes this morning and still been the only member of the club.