Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Frozen. Literally and Figuratively.

As December continues to freeze the life out of the wilted plants on my front porch, I find myself relating more and more to those damn plants.

Wilted. Unable to support themselves. Sad.

Last Friday, the BFF texted me from a basketball game where she was sitting a few rows behind a guy from our high school. Funnily enough, her mom has been lobbying for me to date this particular guy since the fall. Of course, her mom has talked me up to him numerous times.

The BFF did her work on Friday night and he's interested. All he's waiting on is a signal from me. Permission to... I dunno, ask permission?

Me? I'm all "Yeah, that's nice. I think he's a nice guy. We might get along well. I do eventually want to get married and have kids. Yes, I'm lonely sometimes."

But mostly, I'm apathetic.

For some reason, I just can't muster up the energy or enthusiasm to move. Part of me is probably self-conscious: my body and hair and, you know, the whole package is most definitely not in boyfriend-friendly condition.

I've gained weight and my roots are disgusting. And on and on and on. I honestly don't even have any nice clothes in my closet to wear on an actual date... unless I want to show up in my work clothes (which I most definitely do not, because I hate them).

So I sit here with the ball in my court. And I sit.

The same thing's true at work. My job? Is good. I'm having fun and I enjoy it and I feel like I'm accomplishing things. It has NOT been easy these past few months. It's stressful and chaotic and I never feel like I have things as under-control as I would like.

My job sometimes often makes me feel like I'm just plain not good enough. That I'm not trying enough.

Even when I show up at 7 am and sometimes work well past 10 pm. (Usually not all in the same day. But sometimes.)

I told this lovely lady yesterday that I felt like, at age 24 (wtf is wrong with me?) that my ship has sailed. That since I didn't go after what I really wanted after college that, as far as careers go, I'm done.

This job frequently wakes me up at 4:30 am with anxiety, like today. It makes me feel less than accomplished. I have to work till 10 pm on 5 hours sleep. (Translation: I should probably be thinking about a new job. Or, actually doing something about it.)

And yet I sit... staring at my computer screen, thinking about what could happen. Instead of doing a damn thing about it.

I'm frozen. Literally and figuratively.

25 Classy Comments:

Becky said...

No. No, no, NO. Your ship has not sailed at all. Go after what you want! You are smart, ambitious, classy and fabulous (of course!).

Ashley said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way! You are way too young to be thinking that your ship has sailed. Career-wise, I'm in the same boat as you are. But I'm 28. I also didn't go after what I REALLY wanted to do in college, and instead did what my dad suggested because it was "safe" and because I would make more money. I wanted to be a teacher. I am an accountant. My dad was a teacher and didn't want me to struggle financially at all (teachers in OK are vastly underpaid). And, well, I don't, BUT I hate my job. Like I really hate it so much that it spills into other ares of my life. I feel like I'm waasting my life at this meaningless job. And I've been TALKING about doing something else for years. This year, in the past couple months, I've really decided that I need to make a change. And that's in the works (really early stages). But it took me several years to finally get my butt in gear. Sorry this is forever long, but I don't want you to think that it's ever too late to decide you want to do something TOTALLY different! And seriously, your twenties, those are the years for figuring it all out, you've got a ton of time!!

Danielle said...

I totally understand how you feel. I'm 26 and sometimes I wake up thinking what in the hell have I done with my life. I get up at 5:45, go to work, go to the gym and go home. It's like my life is on repeat. I want to get married and have kids but I feel like the guys who pursue me aren't what I'm looking for. But, I dont really know what I'm looking for. I feel like a broken record and I keep repeating the same things over and over. I'm happy...but not as happy as I could be.

I don't think it's to late to go after what you want. I think it gets harder when you become comfortable and familiar with one job to go out and try to find something else, even if it what you REALLY want. It takes a lot a lot of courage but you should go after it. It will be easier to do it now than later...

The Shabby Princess said...

Sweetie, hugs! I can totally relate to this. I felt the same way a while back and it really caused me some major depression. Honestly, for me, the root of it was a very toxic work environment--I had a terrible boss and very passive agressive co workers. I value myself very highly based on my career because I do not have kids yet and I am the breadwinner in the family. Eventually, it got to be too much and I was lucky enough to find a new job. But, it took months and months of people prodding me to look for a new one. I just couldn't leave the job I had and yet the job I hated. Funny how that works, huh? ANYWAYS. You are young. Your ship hasn't sailed. I totally understand the feeling of being frozen. Just know that you can do it. You can go after what you want.

I'm here for you sweets!

RAW said...

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. We've all been there. I'm still fighting with feelings like these, too.

My advice is not to worry too much, but still be proactive. Go to networking events and meet new people/get your name out there. You never know who you'll meet or where it could lead :) Are there career-building classes you could take? I'm looking into taking a web design class just to keep adding to my skill set. While these things may not change your current situation, they'll make you feel like you have better control of your future.

It seems like three out of every four people I've talked to about jobs/professional life has these exact feelings. Rest assured that you're not the only one. This (the economy/outlook/job market/etc) is just rough in general. You're young and have plenty of time to find your true calling :) However, if you're really miserable, don't hang around your current position for too much longer.

Wishing you luck and sending thoughts your way!! :)

LawGirl said...

You have to go out with this guy. He won't notice your roots. You know how to dress so well that any worries you have about the state of your body (which I doubt are legitimate worries) should even be a concern. You know what, he might not be the one, but I bet he's a nice guy and a date would be fun. If not, what's wrong with a free dinner? Better yet, if he sucks and you never want to see him again, you get to have dessert, because you might as well get all you can out of it!

Your ship hasn't sailed. When I was 22 and going through a breakup from a 6 year relationship I thought my ship had sailed. Then, I went to law school a few years later and came out woth a career I love and a bf who I'd like to keep around for a while. I'm not saying go to law school (please, don't) just saying that at 23 and 24 I thought my ship had sailed, thankfully I tried again. I think you need to too.

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong said...

i'm 26... and i feel you on this one. am i doomed/stuck in my current job for the rest of my life?? i feel like i am.
leaving terrifies me. but staying terrifies me even more.
i say if this boy isn't giving you butterflies then don't pursue it. take care of yourself first, then hop into the dating scene!

Life in vet school said...

What did you want to do after college, that you didn't go after?!?!? I'm dying of curiosity!

It's a sucky economy to be trying to change jobs in, I totally hear you on that. I would be worried, too. Can you make a move that's sort of "diagonal" (not lateral, but not as radical as jumping straight into the thing you really want) to improve your prospects?

DEFINITELY don't feel like your ship has sailed at 24!!! Holy cow. I went right to grad school (a program that paid ME, since it was a biological science) after college, and 5 years into my PhD I decided I couldn't see myself doing research for the rest of my life. So I spent a year working CRAZY hours -- 60 hours a week in lab, a 10 hour shift as a vet tech every Saturday, an 8 hour shift at a rescue ranch every Sunday, volunteering 2 mornings a week at a rescue shelter -- to get myself into position to apply to (and get into) vet school. Nothing was WRONG with the life I had -- research was a good career, I had a decent boyfriend, people thought I was crazy for wanting to change everything. But I did it anyway, because I knew it would make me happier -- and along the way I met the love of my life (now my husband), got into an awesome vet school, got a partial scholarship so I'm not drowning in debt to pay for it, and I am SO FREAKING HAPPY!!!! And between research and vet school, I have practically unlimited career options.

And, yeah, I'm still in school at 32, but I'll be done in 18 months and then I can do ANYTHING!!!

You might have to work ridiculously hard to pursue the life you really want, but I promise you it is SO worth it.

Elizabeth said...

At 24, your ship has definitely NOT sailed! Take a day just for you to feel pretty. Get your hair done, nails painted, and go shopping! Grab a friend and just enjoy yourself for the entire day. As for the the job area, it's never to late to start a new career. I am 23 and literally just wrote a post about being bored at work and trying to figure out what I am passionate about and making that into a career. Good luck hun! I believe in you!

http://cautionblondeblogging.blogspot.com/

Krista said...

Ok, so maybe your ship has sailed away. But you know what! That ship will return for you any time you need it to. I'm 27 and when I graduated from college 5 years ago, I realized that I had no desire to work in the industry I got my degree in. It was a harsh reality, but I had to deal with it. I found a job I enjoyed that was able to financially support me and I focused on saving money and building some good friendships. Eventually, I found my passion & decided to return to school for a Nursing degree. I'm slowly working my way through school now & have never had any doubts or regrets. So, just be patient with yourself. You'll figure it all out eventually! And until then, just enjoy yourself and be happy that you still have a full and vibrant life ahead of you to enjoy!

Sarah said...

I def feel you on this one! I feel like that too every few months and then I try to do a few new things to get me out of that mindset. Just keep reminding yourself that you are young and that even at 80 years old you can still do anything you set your mind too!

I would def go out with the guy! Who cares that you aren't boyfriend ready yet? It's just a date and beside if he doesn't like you the way you are then you shouldn't want him.

Go for it and anything you dream! :)

Lots of love to you!

CT Cupcake said...

hmmm do we work in the same office?! I, too, sometimes get the same feeling, except I am a few years older than you. I rant often to my mom that this isn't where I thought I'd-professionally or personally. That said, when a coworker took a new job that was a move up(and out of our original industry) I got super jealous AND motivated! I just accepted a job in a different dept than mine but a took small pay cut to make the move. Haven't started yet, but already I feel unstuck!

good luck~ there is light at the end of the tunnel, I swear

PinkSass said...

And like I said to you yesterday it's never too late. Girl you are 24, you are a baby. Take that first step, it's always the hardest but after that it just keeps getting easier.

Do it or I will punch you. xoxo

Aly said...

You are so young! You have plenty of time to find the right thing. Sometimes it takes a job like the one you're in to realize what you do want! Just keep your eyes out for something, and it will come along. I promise! And go on a date with that guy! You deserve it!

TeachingInHeels said...

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I know for a fact that although you're feeling this way, you have the time to change your situation. Make the move in the right direction. We're all here to support you!! :)

The Waspy Redhead said...

We are the same person. Except I'm 28. So really, you're ahead of the game. If I had to bet, I would say you'll be exactly where you want to be by the time you're my age.

You MUST put yourself out there. It's awful, I know. I went on my first first date since 2007 last weekend. And yes, that date was awful - but it was a step in the right direction. You are lovely and smart and you have an adorable figure and pretty hair. Get all dolled up, and you'll feel better about yourself. Even if this boy is not the boy for you, it will be good practice!

Rae said...

I think going on a date with this guy would be a good thing! It would give you a reason to go out and pamper yourself. Get your hair colored, get a mani and pedi. Then go out and get yourself a hot date outfit. Go on the date. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. I think you should do it!

Jenni said...

Sarah, I often struggle with apathy, myself. I can relate to you on this. I've been really, really searching for ways to empower myself lately, and it sounds like that's what you need, too. You took the first step in recognizing you have a problem, and now it's time for action!! Take small steps, but don't give up, girl!! You, like me, are very young (I'm 24 now too). Every sinngle day is a new opportunity to make a change in your life and, essentially, start fresh. You are not a slave to the person you were yesterday, or the self-imposed limitations you seem to have assigned yourself.

Good luck, my friend. :)

Perfectly Imperfect said...

This is actually something I am far too familiar with. I wake up at least once a month and wonder what happens next? But hon, at 24, you've got so much more ahead of you. Heck, I do at 28. If you want a change though, you have to initiate it. Go for it. You've totally got this!

men's 2 button suits said...

Make the move in the right direction. do what is right.. and follow your heart.

Life in Heels and Pearls said...

I feel exactly where you are at.

splink said...

Unless it's a Klan outfit, I think you overestimate how much guys care about clothes. Although, admittedly, I haven't done any polls on the subject.

Amy said...

Please. Please. Please. DON'T TELL ME THINGS LIKE THIS!!! I'm a college senior going into my last semester, and I don't know what the heck I'm going to do with my life. If someone as classy and fabulous as you is lost...I don't have a flying chance in Hades!

But let me repeat: you are fierce. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise!

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

I totally get how you feel... I'm not sure where you're working but from it sounds like, we have similar jobs. I have been managing a children's store for a very large retailer in the US for the past 5 years. I love it, but I hate it at the same time. The schedule really,really, really gets to me. Where do you work? (if you don't want to say, I understand!)
I wish I could say it gets better... but if you're feeling this way now, it will probably get worse! Figure out what you really want to do, and go after it! You deserve it!

etta said...

Your ship has NOT sailed. You just have to wait for the right ship. It's like taking the bus. Sometimes you have to get off of the red line bus and get on the green line bus. Sometimes you have to wait a while before the 2nd bus shows up.

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