Thursday, July 24, 2008


Ok, perhaps the title of this post was a bit... extreme. But let me at least have my rant first.

So I've been getting ready for this damn garage sale for approximately 3 FULL days (and getting ready on a part-time basis for a MONTH). At approximately 4 pm, I decided that I needed a break. Badly. I was thisclose to hanging a sign on the mailbox that said: Free Shit. Come and Get it!!

So, I walked upstairs to my room and sat. About 2 seconds later, I remembered a closet that had not been cleaned of randomness and decided to go work on it. I started pulling stuff out and then heard a big CLANK/THUD on our sliding-glass back door.

It was waay too loud to be an animal, so I thought to myself, "OMFG, is someone breaking into our house in broad daylight. Damn you... prowlers."

So I contemplated calling 911, and waited... and didn't hear anything else. I walked downstairs and...

BRIEF ASIDE: Have I ever mentioned I have a paralyzing fear of birds? I was attacked by a blue-jay when I was about 1.5 years old, and then again by a swan at the park when I was 3. I was on the swings for crying out loud.

Aannnd ACTION!

So I look out the door onto the deck and see a morning dove. Sickest f*ing bird alive. HATE THEM!!! I google "how to get rid of morning doves" approximately 4 times per week. And so I see the guy, walking around the deck, obviously wounded, WITH HIS HEAD BACKWARDS.

I screamed at the TOP OF MY LUNGS (then realized no one was around to hear me scream - OMG this is a slasher movie in progress). I ran upstairs to my bed, where I am currently residing.

I sat for full minutes choking back vomit... chills... OMFG I hate birds and wish they would LEAVE ME THE FRICK ALONE!!

My brother was supposed to be home at 4:15... it is now 4:49.

I should be prepping dinner for my dad/brother and then getting the grill stuff ready for when my friends come over in a couple of hours for food/hottubbin.

AND I can't get back to getting my garage sale stuff ready, because I'd have to walk past the bird again. So not happening, folks.

Ok, if you don't hear from me soon (because my laptop charger is DOWNSTAIRS - near the sight of the INCIDENT), call 911. Kthanks.

I feel better now, don't you? (No, you're probably pissed you wasted your time reading this. Hey, your problem, not mine. I've got the bird-phobia thing going on.)


3 Classy Comments:

Danielle said...

WHAT! His head is on backwards?! WTH?!?!

Hope you make it out alive!! :)

Good N Crazy said...

I'll pray for you. I just got a comment from you, so I think it's safe to say you DID make it out alive right?

And...We are garage sale-ing this weekend coming up. I expect a great post from you about yours. I will so be blogging mine.

And the part where you typed thisclose made me laugh outloud.

Laurie said...

Sounds awful!!! Your fear of birds is my fear of Cats.

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