Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lonely

I started this blog because I was lonely. I had just been (temporarily) dumped by a large group of my closest friends, and I was lonely.

It was about 5 months after my mom died and I felt like I had no one, literally no one, to confide in.

I started this blog hoping to just have an outlet for my sadness. Someone to share the ups and down with.

And the love and support I have received is more that I could have ever hoped for. It definitely makes me feel like a lucky girl.

And yet.

There are still days when, especially now, after all that has happened, I just feel alone.

At night, when everyone else is sleeping, I wish for a confidant. I wish for someone to know that something is wrong before I've mentioned it. I am still deeply missing that person who cares about me just as much as they care about themselves.

Last night, I sent the Boy a short e-mail with some information I thought he might be interested in. He replied and mentioned he was leaving this week to start his new job. Far away on the East coast.

I don't know if I should at least see him to say goodbye, or just let him leave my life forever.

It's times like these I feel the loneliest. To protect my dad, my friends, I don't say anything. I stay quiet to protect them from the pain that only I know exists.

(Sorry for the depressing post everybody. It's just been fighting its way out of me and boom there it is. Instead of being depressing, I would love to know why you blog. Did a specific event inspire you to start blogging?)

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21 Classy Comments:

Mary said...

Sarah I totally know what you feel like. I just get lonely sometimes and want to have a close confidant. My situation is slighly different, you seem to have lots of close friends, and I don't really have that many close ones. I have lots of acquaintances, but after high school I lost touch with a bunch of people and in college didnt make really good friends. So I have a few ok ones, but no one that lives near me and we are not as close as we used to be so they are not wha tyou would call a confidant. I have a boyfriend who is really great and supportive and I guess he would fall into that category, but sometimes I want girls to talk to! Not quite the same but I fee ya. Hang in there, I'm sure it will all work out.

Michelle said...

I started blogging because I needed to bitch. ;-) Seriously.

I totally know where you're coming from with this post, though. Isn't it crazy how people you know only through blogging/the internet seem to understand you & know you better than people who are close to you in real life? I've found that to be the case with me...especially moments like the one you described.

Mrs. Newlywed said...

First, you know my thoughts on communicating with him...let alone seeing him ;)

I heart you. Not because you write some fancy schmanzy blog, but because you are completely raw. I'm like you...I don't spill my emotions to many people. I don't want anyone to think I am being whiny or overreacting.

However, there are times when I just don't care if I sound that way. Your friends won't either. When exBF and I broke up I struggled despite the fact I had broken up with him. Those friends were there to listen to me rant on and on about his deceptive behavior. I'm sure there were days I drove them crazy, but in the end they kept me sane.

It is okay to dump on your close friends. It is part of the relationship. Plus, you know my email. You can always dump on me ;)

Whitney said...

I started to blog because I was so fascinated by everyone else's blogs and I wanted to see if anyone would care about what I had to say, and to get things off my chest. I needed an outlet (besides my boyfriend) to vent. Sometimes it's just better to tell girls, they get it, they get you. So I know what your coming from and how you feel...

Keep your head up! :) We love you.

C said...

I agree with Michelle, sometimes my blog friends understand me better than my real friends. I started my blog because I felt lonely too, I wanted to share my randomness without being judged and needed a place to just be me. To be honest, I really only have 2 close friends and my husband that I can tell things to, it's weird but telling complete strangers about my problems and having them support me has made such a difference.

Classy in Philadelphia said...

I started my blog because I was lonely too...I had just been dumped by my boyfriend of 3.5 years and I didn't have many friends since I sort of neglected them for him. Sucks.

I'm sorry you are so sad right now..it's stupid and I know you've heard it a million times, but it will get easier....I mean, it still hurts when I think about him, but it isn't a constant thing anymore.

My blog friends are the best too, they really have helped me through more than some of my IRL friends have.

We should exchange e-mails and gchat! <3

Sarah said...

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I wanted to start a blog so that I could share my life with other people rather than just my family. I don't have many close friends either a few but not many and even tho the bf and I are friends too I don't want to confide in him about everything going on in my life. Sometimes its nice just to put it out there even if no one reads it.
If you even want to have a online friend you know I'm here. Just send me a comment and we'll talk.:)
Just started reading and I really love your blog!
~Sarah~

A Girl Can Dream said...

Hey Sarah,
I feel for you. I've been there and at times I still feel like I'm there now. My girl friends and I are growing apart (I guess that happens sometimes as time goes on), we hang out but I never really feel like I could call them crying. The bf is a boy so he's not all there and frankly I am ready for the next step in the relationship so I am getting frustrated waiting...the joys of being a woman I guess.

I started to blog as an outlet just like you. I needed a place to just be me without any judgements or expectations.

I am not sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I feel I can identify with you in many ways. No need to make all of your posts peachy, just be you!

Do whatever you feel you need to do in regards to the boy. My suggestion...pray, ask for a sign on what you're supposed to do. That's what I try to do myself.

Halftime Lessons said...

Hi Sarah.

I pulled my car over at a Starbucks to grab an internet connection and write you a comment, because this is something I feel strongly about. I hope you dont find this too fatherly. I just wanted to offer you this.

This is your time.

You are young, intelligent, and have an extremely bright future in front of you...ready to take off.

I know you are sad, I know you are lonely, but what happened wont be changed, and trying to hold onto it will keep you from reaching what is waiting for you.

I often think of 2 women I was once in love with, one that I dumped, and one that dumped me. I often wonder what my life would be like if I/they hadnt.

I think of decisions I made with friends, good and bad, that took me in different directions.

And then I look in the faces of my kids. And I think, wow...I get it.

So my advice to you is, try to push those people out of your head who have pushed you out of theirs. Go outside. Travel. Experience. Live. Laugh. Meet people. Do fun things.

And dont look too hard for your happiness. If you are doing the right things for yourself, happiness, and your life, and loves, will find you.

One day soon, something amazing will happen, and you will know that it is a result of the great steps that YOU took.

Jay

PS...Jeez...when the hell did I grow up??!! ;-)

Allison said...

I'm glad you've been able to share your feelings on your blog. I know it is very therapeutic to let it all out. Believe me, I know what it is like to be lonely. I've finally gotten to the point where I'm ok with being alone, but it took a long time. I've learned to expect nothing and appreciate everything because, really, you can't depend on most people. It's very sad.

I wish I could be there for you. Email me if you ever need anything.

Allison :)

Andhari said...

I feel this basically everyday. You know i dont have super close friends? I barely share hence the blog is like a powerful outlet for me. i crave a company as well, you're not alone.

Tara said...

Wow, I stumbled on your blog from another that I read frequently and it's nice to see a post right off the bat that's just like how I write! I just recently started blogging and reading people's blogs because I needed an outlet, but getting over here and reading your most recent post and how you mentioned "the boy" exactly the way I do made me laugh! I'm adding ya to my daily rotation!!

a H.I.T. said...

Any group of friends who dumps you (no matter how temporary) don't sound like true friends to me, more like frenemies. And do we really need more of those?

I used to have a large circle of friends, but as I've gotten older, we all changed. Learned to care about different things. I got married and was the first and only one in my group of friends for a long time. And I lost most of my friends because of it.

Sure, we still keep in touch, but I see them every 3 months or so. And none of us have time for long phone conversations anymore.

So I know how you feel, because I'm lonely sometimes too. I think that's why I look forward to moving out of the city. It gives me a chance to make friends again. And hopefully, if I'm lucky, I'll have a confidant too, one who can replace the one I lost on my wedding day.

Summer Wind said...

I can relate somewhat, because last year when I graduated high school, my large group of friends split into two groups, and then we all started to not get along very well. My best friend was in the other group of friends, so I was left to go to college without my best friend. It was really hard, so I know what you mean about needing to confide in someone, but it really will get better. I think sharing your feelings on your blog is a great idea. I actually learned in a psychology class last year that letting out your feelings for the day on a piece of paper really helps you to cope with whatever you are feeling, and I really think it works.

As for me, I started this blog because there are so many amazing people out there like yourself, that I wanted to connect with and read about their lives, and share my life.

This Minneapolis Life said...

Being lonely sucks. Period. It is an emotion that I know far too well! I am so sorry you're feeling this way but glad that you could let it out on your blog. Sometimes I feel like people try to portray a certain persona or make their lives seem so perfect. It is FAR more interesting to read a blog that seems like a real person wrote it. That is why I heart you!

short southern momma said...

Hi Sarah,
Until reading your post and these other wonderful comments I thought I was the only one out here who felt this way! (What a relief) I got married right out of HS and had a daughter by the time I was 20....while all my friends were living it up in college dorm rooms, apt's, ect. We stayed close but had nothing in common anymore. I am new to this blogging thing and yes I was/am lonely. I love meeting and talking with new people and my current job is home-based (Which I do love...but I is a little solitary) I don't particularly like to talk to my hubs about girly stuff..nor would he probably want to listen. HAHA Thanks for the awesome post, Im sure you made a lot of people feel a little less alone today : )

Becky said...

Awe...man I know how you feel! I feel so lonely sometimes moving away from home...away from family I don't know anyone in this town I live in now. I get depressed a lot and now that I'm pregnant and getting off of my MEDS has not been a good thing! I think it's something that everyone struggles with. I would go see "the boy" one last time and just lay it out there....it sounds like you still have some feelings for him or some things that need to be said. But don't take my word for it....but you don't want to live with regrets either. I blog to stay in touch with those I love and hopefully to find something in common with other lovely ladies out there. Praying for you-in Him, Becky

d.a.r. said...

Sorry about the loneliness. I know how you feel though...

I started blogging when my husband received deployment orders. I was scared out of my mind and knew this would be an important year in our new marriage and wanted to document it in some way. And it has just been amazing....amazing!

Kelly said...

I have such respect for you writing through your feelings. Keep doing it! I started my blog to share about my family and crack myself up along the way. Recently, I lost MY "best friend" (quotes to indicate that sometimes what we believe to be true is not) of 8 years and then all of a sudden couldn't even write about it in my blog because she's a reader and I didn't want to be that vulnerable in front of her.

Your have recently made room in your life for something incredible, don't look for it, it will find you! I believe the same will happen to me!

Kassie said...

I only recently started blogging. I had been reading them for awhile (which sounds creepy when you don't have one), so I thought I'd joing in the fun. I'm going through some transitions right now, and I thought it'd be good to write it all down.

I know what you mean about friends. I've learned that I'd rather have a couple close ones than more average ones. I had to cut some people out in the last couple years that were really toxic friends, hurting me more than anything. It's hard, but much better than otherwise.

Sorry, didn't mean to write you a novel. :)

My name is Megan... said...

you are such a sweet girl! We are glad to be here to listen and hopefully give you uplifting thoughts! I would tell the boy goodbye for closure. There are so many people out there that would be lucky to find a friend in you, just keep being yourself :)

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