Thursday, February 11, 2010

Holding in the Ugly

(Warning: this is kinda weepy. It's just one of those days that requires heavy chocolate consumption. I blame PMS.)

I don't think it's any big surprise around here that this blog has become a little stale in the past few weeks. I keep telling myself that I don't know why that is.

I think that on some level I do know, but I'm just holding it inside.

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Do you ever have these types of thoughts - the types that are so twisted and awful and horrible that you can't bear to say them out loud?

The kind of thoughts that you know might make people give you the sad eyes?

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Lately, I've just been struggling. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out.

I was supposed to have a great job - even if it didn't pay great, it would be fun because I'd be doing something I loved.

I was supposed to be well on my way to getting married. Even if I wasn't engaged yet, I was supposed to be with The One.

Instead, I've got neither. The only thing I do have?

Is the fear that my life is halfway over. Halfway over and nothing that I so desperately wanted is coming true.

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When your mom dies before the age of 50 from a cancer she shouldn't have had.... well, it takes a toll on your mind.

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Everyone tells me "Good things take time" and "God has his own schedule for your life..." and I get it, I do. It makes sense.

But what if you feel like the time that everyone else has isn't going to be there for you?

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So you just hold the feelings inside and hope that they pass.

"This too shall pass."

47 Classy Comments:

Kids, Canines, and Chaos said...

Thinking about you... I feel your pain, who wants to be 27 years old and divorced? This isn't where I thought I would be, either. I don't have any encouraging words because I know you're not at the point to hear those. Sometimes you just have to cry and feel sorry for yourself. And then, one day, the sun will shine a little brigher and you'll see it will all be okay.

The Ratpack said...

I'm thinking about you - but I'm definitely not worried about you.

You are so freaking cool that you should pretty much feel bad for everyone else!

Let's just be honest - life is completely unfair and sucks sometimes. I'm so glad we are all friends and can support each other when things are hard - it definitely makes life a little more tolerable. We are here for you - and not the least bit worried about you getting everything you want from life!

Life, Love, and Polka Dots said...

Hang in there, girl.

My dad died of cancer at 54 so I totally get what you mean about it taking a toll on your life. I know everything will work out for you and you will get that dream job and dream husband. You are too awesome not to!

Hope your days get better :)

♥Aubrey said...

O hun...this post is so real!!!

Life is tough and we can't predict the events that will occur or the order they happen, but we can make the best of each day and appreciate it for what it is. There's no sugar coating the tough times...we've all been there...shoot, some of us are still there. May this rut pass and bring sunshine to you!!! You deserve the best.

I believe that confidence and strength make us women who we are and ready to take on any challenge. Lets see a man give birth or deal with PMS :)- Lol

kLl said...

I know these times can be tough, I really do. Here comes one of those statements I always hated hearing - This is one of the hardest times of life for everyone. I graduated college 3 years ago and I still get mad. Most people spend up to 5 years after college trying to figure it out. It is a big fat "Why me?!" period of time where all you want is security and definition to all the things you've been looking for. All your friends have moved on to other things but trust me, they are feeling insecure about their own things. (Can you tell my dad is a shrink?)

Here is a better way to think of things. You are about to start a new job. Yes, it might not be your dream job but it is a move up. Waiting longer for the marriage/ring part of a relationship means (statically) it has a better chance of lasting. You will have been working for longer and will be more financially secure. I'm not going to say it doesn't suck waiting for life to catch up, because it does, but once you get there you can be more comfortable in it.

That's just my view.

Sara said...

That you have the courage to share your bad days with us means you are stronger than you think. How can your mother's early death NOT take a toll on you.

I remember inching toward 30 and thinking I would never meet the man who was meant for me. And, yet, I did. It took us a while, but when we were ready for each other we met. I know the same will happen for you as well. (((hugs)))

Beth said...

You know what I am feeling the same way lately! I feel like I am always on teh chase for something to make me Happy! I want love in my life but I dont do anything about it! I want to loose weight but I dont do anything about it. I want to be more social but I Dont do anything about it! I dont know what is wrong with me lately, I am definitly in a funk! Hopefully you are right "This to shall pass"!

Gwen said...

Oh honey. You know I feel your pain. You let me know if you want to talk. I'm here. You know where to find me. :) I love you...that is all.

XOXO

Lacey Bean said...

Aww hun. We all have these moments. Hell I still have these moments and I'm 26! Funks come and go. And I think w/ the start of your new job it'll help bring you out soon.

Hugs!

emily said...

hey girl! i totally understand. just as i am approaching graduation, its like im not in a relationship and soo many of my friends are getting engaged. it can be scary! but hang in there! im thinking of you and just when you least expect it things will turn around!!! :)

the girl in the red shoes said...

You are right...this will pass. But it does suck doesn't it? Try and look at all the positives you have in your life, easier said than done, I know. You are a beautiful and sweet girl, and I'm sure you will have everything you want and more some day.

Lauren said...

Oh girl, I completely understand where you're coming from. I often feel like I am stuck in this perpetual rut and it won't EVER get better. That life is mocking me, trying to see how hard I can be pushed. It sucks, and sometimes it is so hard to escape these negative thoughts.

I've realized that at 26, I don't have it all figured out, and I don't have to. I'm not happy with my job (in fact, I HATE it) and I don't know how to make my "dream job" come true. I'm completely single. I had The One, and he turned out to be Not The One. I'm glad I figured that out at 22, if I had married him, like we had planned, I would be divorced, probably with 2 kids, at 26.

Everything happens for a reason. I've become a much stronger person through the things I have experienced. I think if you figure out how to turn these negatives into positives, you'll be surprised at how strong of a person you are.

Brittany said...

Sarah, here's a big hug for you. I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry you feel like life isn't going the right way though.

Waiting for marriage may be better because when you marry at an older age, it has a much better chance of lasting. This new job you're taking could lead you in great directions. You could even meet your husband while working :) Who knows? We don't.

It feels better to just let it out and cry sometimes. Don't hold your feelings better. It only makes you more stressed.

So go buy some ice cream and tissues and cry it out. The sun will be shining on you tomorrow :)

I'm here if you ever want to talk! xoxo

sHp said...

I have been in this exact same situation, where I didn't understand where I was, where I was going, and why I wasn't already on my way. Honestly, I feel like I went through a quarter-life crisis - I'm pretty sure I did. Everyone around me was in what appeared to be a 'perfect' situation (i.e. married, engaged, dating someone exclusively, happy in their job, etc.). I spent a lot of time by myself, thinking about who I was and what I actually wanted out of life. I questioned a lot - mostly I questioned myself. The time I spent alone actually answered all of my questions, indirectly, if that makes any sense. The point of me telling you this is not to say "give it time - everything will work out" because I never really wanted to hear those words. The point is to let you know someone has been there and if you ever need to vent, please don't hesitate to contact me :) You're a beautiful girl, who is witty, intelligent, and determined :) In one phrase: YOU ROCK!

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

:::HUGS::: I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Early to mid twenties was a tough time for me as well, but you are right... this too shall pass. You're such a sweetheart, I know "The One" will find his way into your life and I hope it's soon! :)

Sororitygirlgonewife said...

My aunt just passed away from cancer 3 months after her 50th birthday leaving two kids under the age of 22 behind. I've seen their pain, and I know you must be feeling hurt.

Hang in there, sweetie. You're right, "This too shall pass." It's ok to let yourself have a down day here and there.

SouthernBelleJM said...

Oh sweet girl, I think you should read my post today. Hopefully, that will give you some perspective since I am an older and wiser;)

And you're right, "This too shall pass." And, everything WILL fall into place. *pinky swear*
Don't worry about society. Make your OWN timeline! Seriously, read my post.

Confessions Of A Domestic Goddess said...

Sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers...keep positive, everything happens or doesn't happen for a reason.

xoxo!

brown eyed girl said...

So sorry to hear you're feeling down in the dumps...I often have those kinds of thoughts and voices and don't often speak of them on my blog. But I completely understand where you're coming from and will keep you in my thoughts.
HUGS xoxo

The Shabby Princess said...

Awww, sweetie, I know exactly what you mean. Exactly. I couldn't have worded it any better. I figured at this point in my life I'd be close to being a stay at home mome, my husband would have a good job, I'd have a good job and we'd at least have one kiddo. Instead, I have a terrible and low paying job that I hate, my husband has been unempolyed for 13 months, and we are nowhere nearing having kids because, quite honestly, money is so, so, so tight. Not at all what I thought. And, since losind my mom, I've pretty much lost my family--my dad has his new family (he and my mom divorced years before she died) and that's his main focus now.

But, the blogging world has given me such great friend and family--I hope you've found that as well.

Please know that I'm here for you whenever, K?

angie. said...

Oh sweet Sarah, I love reading your happy blog. I am so sorry you are hurting right now. I can't imagine the pain of losing your Mama so young...you need her still. Not fair!!

December ♥ 3rd said...

Sarah, I used to worry about that too - I lost my father at the age of 48 and my paternal grandmother at 69, both to cancer. I wondered if I would die before I turned 30. Even if I do, there's no point in worrying about it, just take each day as it comes and enjoy it.

As for the job/marriage stuff, I'm in the same boat, but a few years older than you :) Almost everyone I know goes/went through the quarter-life crisis, most just don't openly talk about it. Even though it's tempting to compare yourself to others, just remember that everyone has a different timeline.

vi said...

hang in there, sweetie pie.

Amy said...

Ditto to your first commenter, Kids, Canines and Chaos: "Thinking about you... I feel your pain, who wants to be 27 years old and divorced? This isn't where I thought I would be, either."

I lie awake at night sometimes thinking about how I planned to be a part time worker/full time mom by now, with 2 kids. I'm so far away from that, and it can get into my head.

The best thing to do is just continue to live life with no regrets, and do what you believe is right. Your path is only for you to know and for you to carve, at your own pace. And you are carving it right now, with a smile.

I'm thinking of you girl! :)

Summer Leigh* said...

i can completely relate with how you're feeling. but you need to remember that people like us (you don't know me but i think we would have a lot in common if you did judging by your blog!) anyway, by that i mean creative, fun and always dreaming expect a LOT out of life. We have our own little agendas of how our perfect life should go, which is great...but you have to keep it in perspective because we aren't the only one making decisions and scheduling events :) don't get down...instead try something new...a new hair style, a new purse, go get some heels that make you feel like you should be walking on the red carpet. Plan a girls night, friends are the best reminders of how wonderful you are because there are little parts of them that reflect who you are. anyways..keep the blogs coming! i love them!!

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

Oh, Sarah, I wish I could give you a hug right now. :)

Thomasina said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I just turned 28 last Saturday, and no one seemed to understand why I was freaking out! You get this idea in your head of where you want to be in life, and when things don't follow your plan, all hell breaks loose! I read in this great book that your life right now, is exactly how it is supposed to be. That includes all the pain, fears, and worries we have. Hopefully some day we'll be able to accept that this life is okay, just the way it is, right now.

Amy --- Just A Titch said...

I can't imagine the pain that losing your mom would cause. I've never been through that, but I'm 26, divorced, living with a guy who isn't sure he'll ever want to marry me, facing the possibility of losing my teaching job. I think we all have those times when we think, "It wasn't supposed to be like this..." But, this is it. I wish I had a solution to make it better, but all I can offer is my sympathy. Hang in there...

Cole said...

Oh, Sarah! ((((HUGS))) Thanks for letting us in and sharing what's bothering you. We're here for you.

Miss L.A. said...

I just wanted to write and say that going through a hard time. It's ok to feel like life handed you a raw deal at times. I can understand these feelings, because I've had them for the last year or so.

But ... I decided that it was time to stop feeling sad, and made a complete change. And so, on Saturday, I'm packing up my car and moving 300 miles back to my hometown to start over. I even have to live with my parents for the next few months, but it will be worth it. And did I mention that I'm 28 years old? I know that this change is going to give me the chance to live the life that I want to live. I'm sacrificing my friends, my house, and the life I've built for the last 6 years.

I truly hope that your life takes a huge turn soon. Your blog is inspiring for me to read, and I know there are many other ladies out there who feel the same way!

Hang in there sister!

Marc said...

Things never turn out as you expect. I thought I'd be in a different place myself.

I don't think you should keep it all bottled up. Let it out. Thoughts and feelings like that can rot a person unless you turn it into a driving force.

You can't want or expect stuff. You have to go out and do it, otherwise it won't happen.

I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

This Minneapolis Life said...

(((Hugs)))

I hear ya, sister. And I admire you for talking about what all of us feel but don't always have the guts to say.

I struggle with wishing we had more money, wishing I had more defined career aspirations, wishing that my family problems would go away.

Our friends have nice homes, cars, savings accounts, and are beginning their families....and we have a 600 sq. ft. apartment, one crappy vehicle, and a cat. I hate complaining, and I try to be thankful for what I DO have...but sometimes those bad thoughts just sneak up on me.

I guess what I'm saying is we all feel this way sometimes, no matter our station in life. Being engaged does not necessarily make you happy, getting married doesn't necessarily make you happy, and neither does having the perfect career.

There are lots of times I think "this isn't the way I imagined it," but this is the reality of my life and if I don't accept it and make the best of it, then I'm making myself miserable. And what kind of life is that?

I hope your spirits lift soon, lovely. xoxo

Heidi said...

i can't tell you how much i relate to this. Despite the fact that I somehow got lucky, got married, I'm 26. have been fired/laid off from my 3 post-college jobs and have nothing to show for 3 years in DC. I hate myself, I feel like a failure, like i worked my butt off for nothing. But Hubs recently said something to me that made me feel better, and have a little more faith so I will pass it, and a million e-hugs your way in hopes that you'll feel better too <3

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference."

*hugs* You can't let the negativity engross you or take over your life because you won't get anywhere if you do. <3

Megan said...

I love how you are always completely honest and open. Thats what I love about you!! I think we can all relate to this, in completely different ways. I know that I have felt the way you have felt from time to time. But just remember it IS a season. But I know it annoys me when people say to the me also! :-) I'm always here to talk if you need me sista!

Classy in Philadelphia said...

Don't hold your feelings in, girl! That's why you have a blog and us to support you!

You know I'm here anytime you need to talk...you can always always always find me on Gchat! <3

The Coastal Chicster said...

hey lady,
don't be too sad. i think everyone has phases of their lives where they feel the same way. i know i did! when i was in college, i thought i was going to find the best job ever and marry my boyfriend. when i was 22 and 23, i was single, got my first apartment w/awesome roommates and loved every minute. 24 and 25 were ROUGH. i had to read The Quarterlife Crisis like six times. 26 and 27 started to get better, and now at 28, i feel like i'm FINALLY on the right track...even though it's nothing CLOSE to what i thought i'd be doing 10 years ago. hang in there. :) and i think your blog is a perfect place to vent if you need to because you've gotten a lot of positive response from your readers! :D

Sherrie said...

Waiting for the right man is so much more than marrying the wrong one! I did not get married until I was 30 and focused on my teaching career and getting my Masters in my 20s.

I wish I could tell you to make this time all about you and the goals you have. You will be married and have kids before you know it and then doing whatever you want won't be so easy anymore.

Travel, find a hobby you love, join a church or bible study to meet others, take a cooking class, join a gym. There are so many things you can do to improve yourself as an individual. I am all about self improvement and setting new goals when you achieve your goals.

Hugs! I hope you take this post in the spirit I intended, not to be preachy, but to be supportive and tell you to make the most of your single years. :)

Sherrie said...

OOPS! Sorry for the multiple comments.

Kassie said...

I know everyone says this, and it's annoying to hear (I know I hate hearing it!) but I know.how.you.feel. I remember when I was in high school, deliriously in love with my boyfriend; I thought I was one of the "lucky ones", who found the One young and got to go through life in that bliss and team. And then, years later, we broke up in a horrible way. I always thought I'd be married by now, at 24, working somewhere, and on my way to something. But I'm fully single, and am actually ok with that, for now.

I know the time will come, and have faith for that...and for you. It's hard to hear that when you just want to cry for the present, rather than looking to the future! What I'm trying to say is I"m here!

The Pink Chick said...

Thinking about you! I went through a really hard period of time in my mid-twenties. I found myself caught in a limbo period between college and the life that I expected or loved. It definitely made me stronger, and it made me concentrate on exactly what I wanted and what would make me happy in life. I am so sorry you are having a tough time, but I know things will look up for you soon! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

designHER Momma said...

You? I'm all over it. When do you want to have dinner to decompress?

Allison said...

I often find myself feeling very hopeless and depressed about my predicament. I know that there is not much that anyone can say because no person can fully understand what it's like to be you. I can only imagine how it'd be to lose a mother.
email me if you ever need to talk.

Mrs. McB said...

Thinking of you and praying for you. There is nothing I can say that will make this better other than God obviously has a different plan for you. You are strong and will push through this. Just pray and He will help you find your way.

Sassy said...

Aw sweetie, big hugs to you! I can totally sympathize with you- was always sure I would be married to my college boyfriend by 25, well on my way to being settled in a house and starting a family. Instead, I'm now almost 26, have been through the hardest year of my life, but I'm thankful for all of it, as cheesey as it sounds. My struggles have made me who I am, and I'm finally starting to like myself. I was telling a friend the other day that I don't think I'd like myself very much if I'd gotten everything I wanted. I would be a spoiled, sheltered, entitled brat.

My dad also had colon cancer in 2007, and by the grace of God, they caught it in time and he's now cancer free. We are lucky, to put it bluntly, b/c it could have been much worse. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. :( No matter what you are doing with your life, I'm sure she's watching down from Heaven, beaming with pride b/c you're her daughter. :)

I have my Master's and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, so don't worry about that either. LOL No one tells you that your 20s are HARD. A lot of uncertainty and change. Anytime you need to talk, I'm ready and waiting! :)

~Sarah (SassySES on Twitter)

KatherineBee said...

I'm so sorry for your tough times - thinking of you!

d.a.r. said...

I wish I had something insightful to say....but I am definitely thinking of you...

:hugs:

Nishant said...

You are so freaking cool that you should pretty much feel bad for everyone else!

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