Shouldn't Be Like This

You know, today I had high hopes of posting something uplifting and positive and cheerful.  Because I am just coming off a busy, hectic week at work and surviving a tornado and there's a lot to be thankful for, ya know?

Except, ya know, I am a real flipping mess today.  I slept for 3 hours because I was so stressed about work.  I saw Mr. RH for a grand total of an hour yesterday after I was gone from home for 13 hours, and I wasn't even particularly nice to him when I did see him.

I finally crawled out of bed after not sleeping to go see him on the couch (where he was watching some dumb-ass football game in overtime) and the game ended 2 minutes later, once I got comfy.  And he dragged me out of my blanket and forced me to bed.

And I'm not even sure why I'm grumpy about that last part, BUT I AM.

And I have approximately 25 other things I really want to vent about work, but none of them are particularly interesting or even fair to whine about.  But just know that the thought of going into work right now (which I have to do in 5 hours) makes me literally tear up because I'm so upset.

Is it clear that I only slept 3 hours last night?  I fear that it is.

Somebody please tell me my Thanksgiving cheer will show up soon.  Because I'm about as un-grateful as I can handle right now - and between losing most of my holiday to work (well, mostly Mr. RH's holiday, I'll just be alone) and the lack of a filter on my mouth today... I'm a hot mess.

Tomorrow, I can work on being thankful.

Today, I wallow and pre-Thanksgiving carb load.  Seems like a solid decision. 

So Worried.

When I saw the prompt for today's Blog Every Day challenge, I turned to Mr. RH and asked what my three worst traits were.

He immediately responded that he couldn't possibly think of three things.  Awww...

Except he said that I really just have one BIG terrible trait.

Whomp whomp.

Worry.

It's something that is always at the back of my mind.

It's not something that I always think about, but it's always there.

Depending on the week, there's a different topic for every stage of life.

Work worries.

Money worries. (This is a huge one right now with the wedding, combining finances, moving into a new apartment.... and on and on and on.)

Health worries.  (I think I do a good job keeping this one under control, but when someone *cough Mr. RH cough* refuses to go to a doctor for a strange ailment.... I lose my mind.  Early detection and a second opinion is SO important to me.)

I should have asked Mr. RH for a list of my top worries.  I think he would say money, our relationship, and everyone I love - including but not limited to random customers, my actual family and friends, and especially him.

So what's a girl to do?

Good question.

I actually got a prescription for anxiety medication over a month ago.... I haven't taken a single pill.  I just don't feel like I have worries that are "bad enough" for medication.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with worry.  Right?

10 Steps to Happiness

You know, there are some times when I think that I couldn't possibly think of 10 things that make me happy... and there are times that I could make this list go on forever.

But - there are a few surefire things that always make me happy.

And surprisingly they are not all ice cream.  Today.

1. Baking.  I love putting some batter into the oven and then removing a beautiful treat.  I mean honestly... CARBS.
   
   
   
2. Margaritas with friends.  Too bad the BFF is knocked-up, that puts a major damper on margarita drinking.
   
   
3. Twitter.  Sometimes, the best therapy is online.
4. May Flowers.
   
   
5. Being Engaged.  129 days until the wedding and I'm already mourning the loss of this time.  Why has it gone so fast?!
   
   
6.  Sweet, tiny babies.  My "new" niece and nephews are already 4-6 months old.  One of my other college friends gave birth to a baby boy.  Stop growing, babies!!"
   
   
7. Cooking.  Mr. RH has been commuting for his new job, and it leaves me with some extra time on my hands.  And I've been cooking... and it's rather delicious.
   
   
8.  Curly hair.  Sometimes, I think nature got confused when it gave me straight hairs on my head.  Luckily, I can daydream about future curly-haired children, right?!
   
   
   
9. Online shopping.  I believe we've discussed this before.
10. This blog.  My buddy in good times and in bad.  Thanks for hanging around.

 Happy Tuesday!

Maybe Next Week.

Welp, this week has been a big old BUST in the accomplishment category.  I did actually work out a lot of the things I needed to do at work (GO ME!), but beyond that.... yeah, I've been sketchy at best.

Write thank you cards for my shower that was almost 2 weeks ago?  Oops.

Get my measurements and order the lace shrug from my wedding dress?  Oops.
 Catch up with my favorite almost-hitched bitch?  Nope.  She's also slightly busy. 

Order bridesmaids dresses, which are now officially slightly late?  Nada.

The only things I have done this week?  Cry a lot for good and bad reasons.  Eat about 2 pounds of red velvet dip (DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK.  DO NOT DO IT!  TRUST.) with a spoon.  Trust, the spoon was less calories than vanilla wafers.  Online shopped until I fear the balance on my credit cards.  And then I checked the card and I didn't hyperventilate so I think that says a lot for my personal growth. 

I spent only minimal time worrying about medical stuff and stressing about a doctor's appointment.  In fact, I worried so little that for the first time in 5 appointments, I didn't have high blood pressure.  Or, as the nurse said, I wasn't totally freaking out at my appointment.  Personal growth, people.

This week, I also burned up Mr. RH's netflix account watching hours of mindless TV.  After weeks of Doing Things and Being Accomplished, it felt good (and guilty!) to veg out and just be.  The couch snuggles were just a bonus.

On a positive note, I backed up my hard drive and transferred a ton of photos to safe storage this week, so that was pretty huge.  I think my laptop is thanking me as it's no longer full-to-the-max.  So I guess I wasn't a complete waste this week.  Just partial. 

Unfortunately, with all that accomplishment comes the punishment next week.  I have got to hit the
wedding checklist hard and deal with Mr. RH withdrawals since he will be starting a new job with a commute and will, unfortunately, no longer be at my beck and call.  (lol, the thought of Mr. RH being at my beck and call.)

Please tell me I'm not the only one having a complete slacker week.  I can totally get back on track next week, right?

Right.

Heavy-Hearted

You know, it feels a little frivolous to get up today and write something about nothing.  To write about wine or weddings when other people are hurting. 

I started Monday on a rotten note.  I was in a bad mood, things weren't going my way, Mr. RH had a big interview, I was frustrated with work... and on and on and on.  And then, while at work, I saw the news. 

And beyond being upset with the images and the reports and the fear seeping through my tiny phone screen, I was pissed.  Pissed at the customers walking around the mall ignorant.  Pissed that we could all be calm and buy jumbo packs of paper towels at Target, all the while acting like everything was normal, status quo.

I worked until late on Monday, but I was worthless.  I woke up Tuesday and functioned at a minimum level on my last day off for over a week.  So, if you see me around, I'll be wearing dirty clothes and eating too much fast food.

-------------------------------

It's dumb, really, how much angst I can pour into an event that in no way directly changes my life. 

But then again, maybe that's the point.

To feel so strongly, and hurt so much - because it's just not fair.

To realize that a little work drama?  Ain't really no thang at all.

To be thankful for every, single little thing happening between Mr. RH and I lately - because we have each other, and it's simply enough.

I've seen it all over the internet - how dare that blogger make it about her.  How dare that brand tweet their latest sale.  Really?  As if it wasn't enough hate for one week?  We need to go out and punish others?  Really?

But this week, as in the wake of every tragedy, we must go on.  There's no option for hiding under the covers, eating all the chips (just me?), or pretending like work doesn't exist.

In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. - Robert Frost

The important thing to remember is - we can move on.  A little kinder, a little gentler, and with a little more patience. 

And if we fail at that - as I've done thousands of days before - tomorrow is another fresh start.

What a precious, precious gift.

Blahsville, Day Infinity

I would like to state, for the record, that the dreaded late-summer cold sucks.  And sucks even harder when the cold is joined by his friend a-hole seasonal allergies.

Needless to say, I'm a real peach today.

I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning and dusting (yes, I am stunned at that development).  Followed by a very brief, disappointing watch of the VMAs. 

Followed by a rather cool showing in the night sky.

Not to whine about having a four-day-workweek (oh, that's right, mine was a regular five-day)... but gosh, this week packed a whole lot of blah into four days.  Let's do better next week, eh??

All Aboard the Crazy Train!

I am finding it extremely hard to focus today... probably cause I was at work until almost midnight and I was a hot mess before I even left work.  Brain=scrambled.

• I am struggling to try and use up my vacation time this year.  I know, WOE IS ME.  I would love LOVE to see my college friends, I miss them a ton.  But getting them in one space is nearly impossible.  I had planned to do something with my friends from home, but that seems impossible too.  One is taking the bar and one may be done with our friendship.  SUPERFUN.  And then there's Mr. RH... the person I really want to take with me everywhere (put him in my pocket, obviously).  Want to take him back to Chicago, to an IKEA (that's random), to Oklahoma to snuggle some twins, to Florida cause a beach sounds nice, to Michigan cause a beach sounds nice.  Like I said... I'm struggling.  And wish I were independently wealthy with a private jet.
• I am really missing my college friends.  I know we are all in 93 directions all over the place, but I just wish it were easier to stay in touch.  Found out that one of them was pregnant a couple of weeks ago and I haven't even called to congratulate her.  I suck.
•  The Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale starts at 7 am today.  And despite the fact that I barely slept and need bras like I need a hole in the head... I think I need to stop in.  It's my American, consumerist duty.
• Speaking of Mr. RH, he has somehow released my inner interior decorator lately.  Since I have yet to grow up and get a home of my own, I have transferred my decorating needs onto his apartment.  I almost had a breakdown this weekend because there are so many things I "need" to purchase for his apartment.  Such as a kitchen table (he has an empty room now), a new couch, a fancy new bed.  Basically, I am a loose cannon.  HELP.
• I'm taking wedding photos for a friend in a month.  And then my boss in September.  I realize I am 100% unqualified for this... but yet I can't stop agreeing to do things that make me scared.  YAY. 
• It's no-shower Tuesday.
• Less than 24 hours till Wine Wednesday (the activity, not the post.  I actually don't have one for this week).
• I'm going to a bachelorette party this weekend and I feel fat.  Is it acceptable to wear a maxi dress instead of a slut-mini-dress?  My pasty legs are extremely stressed.
• I'm not sure if it's jealousy or excitement or just losing my mind (probably that)... but Tess' engagement set of the bomb of wedding-planning inside my brain.  Had a breakdown yesterday cause I couldn't find California Wife's list of recommended Indiana wedding photographers... and it basically went downhill from there.  And yes, very astute of you, I am actually not engaged.  Crazy train, party of one!

I think I've really done enough damage here. Feel free to comment on... anything, really.  Maybe you'll get lucky and I'll send you a Target gift card cause that's just the way I'm feeling today.

Four.

In the big scheme of life, four years is not a long time.  Considering the 21 years prior to the past four, this time is just a drop in the bucket.Only it's not. 
Sometimes I think that time speeds up right after everything changes. 

I can remember exactly everything about that Sunday four years ago.  I can remember what she was wearing, what I was doing that morning, what I had done the day before - absolutely everything.
It all feels so fresh that I can't believe how much time has passed.

There are times that it doesn't feel so fresh.  That I feel healed and together and composed.  That a customer at work can make a reference to my mom (not knowing the situation) and I feel totally fine.

And then there are other times that it feels anything but OK.  When everything feels personal.  When any potential situation feels like a perfect time to miss her.

Four years... it feels like 4 minutes.  I miss her every day.

On Boyfriends and Blogging

I've been "pretending to write stuff on the internet" for three and a half years now. (Blogging.) And if you count the amount of time before that in which I was considering starting a blog, it would be well over four years.

Four years!

I've kept my blog a little secret for lo these many years.  I don't post about it on facebook.  I don't tweet with my high school and college BFFs.  (Shout out to Maura and Katie, two girls from college who have super-sleuthed me out despite me pretending I don't write a blog.)

There are various reasons I don't tell anyone.  My job, for one.  Nobody wants to write "omg, I'm so exhausted from work" in an offhanded way and get fired.  Plus, I don't really need my coworkers to know about my innermost feelings or the state of My Good Girl.

Because despite the fact that I write freely about such things... I don't really need people I interact with on a daily basis to be well-versed on such topics.


So.  This blog has been a secret of mine for 4 years.  My ex knew about it in a vague way, although I honestly didn't rely on this blog so much when we were together.  It became my lifeline after he dumped my ass, I was unemployed, and everyone who I had ever met through blogging rallied around me.

(Side note: you guys are pretty awesome like that.)

My dad and brother both know I blog and yet neither give two craps about it.  They just laugh and mock me when I need to take a picture of something and tweet it.  Or if they are in a bad mood they tend to yell something along the lines of "If you so much as THINK about posting this on the internet I will disown you" or something like that.  Which is weird because they don't read my blog so HOW WOULD THEY EVEN KNOW?!

What I'm saying is: my blog is anonymous.  That is, I don't tell my friends about it.  My family.

Thing is, some of them have found it.  I'm proficient enough in internet-sleuthing to know that there are people I know who are reading... who don't know that I know they are reading.

Whoa.

I told Mr. RH, in a verrrry roundabout way, that I had a blog on one of our early dates.  Remember when I wrote this post, on June 1st, saying that I was kinda-sorta-maybe ready to start dating again?

And you ALL resoundingly cheered for me and rallied and told me that YES, I was ready and it was TIME.

Mr. RH asked me out less than 10 days later.  And, in talking about relationships, I told him that I would have never agreed to go out with him if not for... well, on this website that I write on sometimes... they all told me I should go out with him.  So I did.

And of course I told him that.  And he, being the genius that he is, put 2 and 2 together and came up with the word BLOG all on his own.  And I was all... "where did you learn that word?!" and acted innocent... but let's be real.

He knows I blog.  He accidentally stumbled on my twitter account when it was pulled up on my laptop.

Yesterday, I asked him to describe my style and he said... "Classy fab."

Cue mini panic attack/breakdown.  Because he clearly, out loud, identified the fact that he knows my twitter account.

Die die die die die die die die die die die.

Here's the thing: I think I write this blog pretty openly.  It's not earth-shattering stuff.  I write about missing my mom, about doubting myself, about stupid clothes from Forever21.  Those are all things that I would discuss with any random person who walked in off the street.

For four years, this blog has been my own personal Fight Club.  I thought about it, obsessed about it, spent hours working on it... but it never once got mentioned out loud. 

Mr. RH wants to read it.  Not only because he is a huge English writing nerd, but because he wants to know more about me.  Weird, I know.

He has promised to give me my privacy.  I have diligently been obsessing over my stats and he hass not opened this site YET, of that I am 99.999% certain. Plus, he promised not to (until I give him the OK) and he is way better about keeping his promises than I am.

So.  The Boyfriend and the Blog.  Never the twain shall meet?

Please discuss.  (Or then I will have to admit that I wrote 797 words on boyfriends and blogging and NO ONE cares.)

Slightly Underwater

So, I feel like the seas are a bit rough around here right now. Which is weird, because Indiana HAS NO OCEANS.

I know, weird.

I've been feeling super-overwhelmed lately. I think that sliding Mr. RH into my already-packed life and trying to keep moving at the same pace is finally kicking my ass.

I just want to do everything perfectly, you know?

I want to be a runner, but I keep falling off the bandwagon.

I have been on a semi-healthy-eating kick for months, and I let the guilt build up if I don't make up a bunch of meals to take to work for lunch or if I have a day off and don't get a bunch of cooking done.

I spend SO much money on healthy veggies at the grocery store but am so exhausted that half of them go bad waiting for me to eat them.

I want to badly to be the perfect girlfriend to Mr. RH that I drop everything to make time for him and constantly decline him when he tries to help me get anything done.

I want so badly to be the perfect friend to my friends that even spending time with Mr. RH makes me feel like I am abandoning them, especially if one of them is going through man-drama of her own.

And on and on and on. Swear to goodness, this post could go on for 20 pages.

And I know, EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET feels the same way.

Pretty sure I should never have a child because I am pretty positive the mommy guilt would actually kill me dead.

I have spent most of today crying and of course Mr. RH couldn't be more concerned. He probably thinks I am about to jump off a cliff when in actuality... eh, this just happens sometimes. Too much pressure inside and my tear ducts explode!

And just when I think I've got him all off to work and a whole night to myself to be miserable.... a text:

"Hang in there. You's strong, you's kind, you's important.... and most of all you's loved."

(Needless to say, we both read and then watched The Help. LOVE IT.)

And then I cry all over again. Happy tears this time.

February Funk

I was all set to post something awesome when I woke up this morning.. my creative juices were flowing and plus I had something fun to share (recent online shopping arrivals).

But you know what?

I am in a serious funk.

For the past few weeks I've been crying at the drop of a hat. Getting furious at myself for no particular reason.

And of course this morning I woke up and could not for the LIFE of me find the remote control for my camera that lets me take pictures of myself. I usually store it on top of my dresser (yes, awesome storage location) or in the drawer with all my camera stuff.

Yeah, gone.

-------------

It comes and goes lately, this feeling of being dissatisfied with myself. Who the heck am I anymore?

I feel like if the 18-year-old Sarah saw herself right now.... she would NOT be happy.

That girl had so much. Even if it was just illusion, she felt like she could take on the world and win.

-------------

This post could not be more random even if I tried... but hey, that's what's up. Why my posts here are meh at best. My head is too full of ick to let anything good come out.

Is anyone else suffering majorly from a case of February Funk?

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Frozen. Literally and Figuratively.

As December continues to freeze the life out of the wilted plants on my front porch, I find myself relating more and more to those damn plants.

Wilted. Unable to support themselves. Sad.

Last Friday, the BFF texted me from a basketball game where she was sitting a few rows behind a guy from our high school. Funnily enough, her mom has been lobbying for me to date this particular guy since the fall. Of course, her mom has talked me up to him numerous times.

The BFF did her work on Friday night and he's interested. All he's waiting on is a signal from me. Permission to... I dunno, ask permission?

Me? I'm all "Yeah, that's nice. I think he's a nice guy. We might get along well. I do eventually want to get married and have kids. Yes, I'm lonely sometimes."

But mostly, I'm apathetic.

For some reason, I just can't muster up the energy or enthusiasm to move. Part of me is probably self-conscious: my body and hair and, you know, the whole package is most definitely not in boyfriend-friendly condition.

I've gained weight and my roots are disgusting. And on and on and on. I honestly don't even have any nice clothes in my closet to wear on an actual date... unless I want to show up in my work clothes (which I most definitely do not, because I hate them).

So I sit here with the ball in my court. And I sit.

The same thing's true at work. My job? Is good. I'm having fun and I enjoy it and I feel like I'm accomplishing things. It has NOT been easy these past few months. It's stressful and chaotic and I never feel like I have things as under-control as I would like.

My job sometimes often makes me feel like I'm just plain not good enough. That I'm not trying enough.

Even when I show up at 7 am and sometimes work well past 10 pm. (Usually not all in the same day. But sometimes.)

I told this lovely lady yesterday that I felt like, at age 24 (wtf is wrong with me?) that my ship has sailed. That since I didn't go after what I really wanted after college that, as far as careers go, I'm done.

This job frequently wakes me up at 4:30 am with anxiety, like today. It makes me feel less than accomplished. I have to work till 10 pm on 5 hours sleep. (Translation: I should probably be thinking about a new job. Or, actually doing something about it.)

And yet I sit... staring at my computer screen, thinking about what could happen. Instead of doing a damn thing about it.

I'm frozen. Literally and figuratively.

Paralyzed.

I know I've written about this before... probably a hundred times. But it still plagues me like you cannot imagine.

On my days off, I always have a lot to accomplish.

Today's list?

Call dermatologist. Figure out dental insurance. 3 loads of laundry. Bake apple desserts. Bake something with pumpkin. Figure out dinner. Target run. TJ Maxx run. Check out Old Navy cause somebody mentioned SALE SALE SALES (even though I don't really like Old Navy all that much). Go into work and check references for new hires. Clean my bathroom. It's covered in hairspray. Wash kitchen floor. Vacuum up the blush I spilled on my bedroom floor (a month ago). Water the new grass planted out in the yard (I hate watering with a passion). Relax cause it's my day off.

I could go on but really... nobody cares.

I know this is just an average day's worth of stuff to do. It's not like anything there is particularly complicated.

And yet.

I'm sitting here on the couch, unable to move. Paralyzed with indecision.

I hate this feeling. It makes me feel depressed and cagey.

At work, I can bust through a to-do list in hours and be energized to tackle anything else that comes up along the way. Sometimes.

But as soon as I get home?

I'm a useless pile of sweatpants. (Hey! Sweatpants are useful!)

Anybody else ever feel like this? Like there's so much that you can't even take the first step?

Cause that's my life. Today.

Best Intentions....

I woke up at 6:15 this morning (god, this is so interesting!) and I Had Plans.

No work today so I was going to Clean and Organized and Be the Best You Can Be and now it's 10 am and I need a nap.

But I can't nap because my mind is spinning because I have so much to do.

And I've been up past midnight for days on end because I can't turn off my mind. Too much to do!

And I'm sad because I really wanted to go to TJ Maxx this morning and it's so not happening.

Does this ever happen to you? Am I just mentally spent? How does one mentally un-spend themselves?

But then again maybe I just have a case of the Mondays.

------------------------------------

Coming up this week:
Books, Books, and Other Books
A Fabulous Giveaway
Shopping Talk, Probably

In the meantime, you should go over and tell me about your skin care routine. I love hearing about products... so tell me your favorites, ok?

Happy Monday!

She's Back!

Ladies, it's back to reality today and I don't like it ONE BIT.

This past weekend it was amazing to realize that somewhere deep inside this person buried under her responsibilities and the daily junk of life is still me.

The person who laughs so hard her face might fall off and loves her friends more than anything in the world.

I'll be back tomorrow with stories and pictures.

Probably.

If I can peel myself out of bed in the morning.

Happy Tuesday!

Aftermath: 1 Year Later

A year ago today, my life became sectioned into two parts. Before and After.

Before... I was half of a whole. I was on a team. Somebody had my back.

After... I was am confused. I feel very much alone. If I needed someone in the middle of the night, I don't think I would feel comfortable calling anyone.

-------------------------

This past year, the year following the big break up from my main squeeze of six-ish years, has been one of the longest of my life.

Everything I thought I knew, before, isn't.

I literally feel like my world has turned, for better or worse, upside down.

-------------------------

The day before the breakup, we attended the wedding of one of my very best friends.

It was a perfect wedding. Beautiful ceremony, awesome reception. Just a perfect day.

I caught the bouquet. My 2nd in a six month period.

(Obviously posing for a different photo when this one was taken. But you can see my awesome hair. I was channeling Audrey Hepburn.)

That day, as I caught the bouquet, I was sure it held so much promise.

Of a future together. Of a long life and much happiness.

Or of an excellent friend of a bride who was sending a hint to her friend's boyfriend to get this show on the road already.

-------------------------

A year ago, I lived my life day to day, hoping against hope that he would finally get me. Or that he would wake up one morning "ready."

Ready never came.

Today, I'm not wishing on flowers, dead or real.

It's true I'm not living my perfect life - not by a long shot.

But I'm still here, and I'm still smiling.

-------------------------

I don't know what life has in store for me.

I worry if my health will hold up well enough to have kids.

I worry that I will never be able to let my guard down enough to love again.

So much uncertainty. So little time.

-------------------------

But I survived.

Without my mom to tell me I was the prettiest and smartest and most awesome-est girl in the world and that any boy would be lucky to have my.

Without any of my college friends nearby.

Without wanting to tell anyone what had happened and wishing that the world would just swallow me up whole.

-------------------------

If you are reading this (discombobulated, rambling tale) and you are me, one year ago... you'll survive.

And in the aftermath, you will find a woman inside of you that you never knew existed.

One with a hell of a lot more strength than you ever thought you had.

Life's not perfect, and I still haven't found my happy ending.

I have no reason to believe that things are going to work out perfectly. In fact, I have evidence to the contrary.

But at the end of the day, I believe.

Tomorrow is another day....
and you never know what may be just around the corner.

Underwater

You can hear the people splashing near the edge of the water. Hear the boys double-dog-daring each other to do the biggest cannonball or jack-knife or some other cool dive you've never heard of.

All your friends are around you, but they feel strangely out of reach.

You can hear the people around you - asking if you're ok.

"I"m fine!" you want to scream... but nothing seems to come out.

"What if...." you think, just for a minute. What if I just rest for a minute? Stop fighting so hard. Just... relax.

But then you think of your friends and your family. Work. All these people who are counting on you.

The pressure builds in your chest and you can't be here any longer.

You break through the surface of the water, gasping in the much-needed air.

But the question still remains - were you drowning or just underwater?

My Sunday Night

Last night, I arrived home from work and immediately got to eatin'. Cause there's nothing like an 8-hour workday to make me STARVING.

Anyways, on my drive home I got to thinking that I needed some carbs for breakfast food this week. And just like that, I decided I needed to whip up a batch of cornbread muffins.

I'm baking away when one of my college roommates called... we chatted.

And then it hits me.

Does every 24-year-old stay at home on Sunday nights churning out double batches of cornbread muffins?
I hope not - because otherwise I am losing out on my only unique feature.

Excellent baking skills and carb love.

Somewhere out there my dream man is waiting on me. With open arms and a sky-high metabolism.

(Cause seriously, I don't think I can marry anyone with a slow metabolism... I'll out-eat them in a second. Hell, given the chance I'd probably eat him for breakfast. Not ok.)

And then it hit me again: I am really freaking strange.

Do you have any strange habits?

Say, an obsessive need to bake more carbs?

Yeah, me either.

Happy Monday!

Holding in the Ugly

(Warning: this is kinda weepy. It's just one of those days that requires heavy chocolate consumption. I blame PMS.)

I don't think it's any big surprise around here that this blog has become a little stale in the past few weeks. I keep telling myself that I don't know why that is.

I think that on some level I do know, but I'm just holding it inside.

------------------------------

Do you ever have these types of thoughts - the types that are so twisted and awful and horrible that you can't bear to say them out loud?

The kind of thoughts that you know might make people give you the sad eyes?

------------------------------

Lately, I've just been struggling. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out.

I was supposed to have a great job - even if it didn't pay great, it would be fun because I'd be doing something I loved.

I was supposed to be well on my way to getting married. Even if I wasn't engaged yet, I was supposed to be with The One.

Instead, I've got neither. The only thing I do have?

Is the fear that my life is halfway over. Halfway over and nothing that I so desperately wanted is coming true.

------------------------------

When your mom dies before the age of 50 from a cancer she shouldn't have had.... well, it takes a toll on your mind.

------------------------------

Everyone tells me "Good things take time" and "God has his own schedule for your life..." and I get it, I do. It makes sense.

But what if you feel like the time that everyone else has isn't going to be there for you?

------------------------------

So you just hold the feelings inside and hope that they pass.

"This too shall pass."